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  1. #491
    ghirahype <(θ)> Neosquid's Avatar
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    Uhhh....just....give me time! Ill make a better SU, but I cant do it very quick.

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  3. #492
    ghirahype <(θ)> Neosquid's Avatar
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    Here it is.
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    Er....the history is better than the last time, while the physical description remains unchanged.
    Last edited by Neosquid; 03-17-2009 at 08:35 PM.

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  4. #493
    Double-You, Em Be Kyew WMBQ's Avatar
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    Alright, the description is still okay, but I still have some problems with the history... not to mention the fact that you forgot to fill in name, age, and gender.


    Quote Originally Posted by Neosquid View Post
    A few Gyrados came from the Lake of Rage, startled by something.
    Okay, so here's the first problem. Not only did you spell Gyarados wrong, but you completely neglected to explain any reason as to why they're rampaging. Remember last time when I told you to not leave anything unexplained? Hasn't changed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neosquid View Post
    His parents were killed in the rampage, along with many others. After being hit by a strong attack, Nak got hurt and lost memory, sending him into a panic.
    This just doesn't make sense... if his parents (presumably stronger, since strength comes with age, along with evolution. Even if his parents are Totodile as well, they should still be stronger than him because he's still young) were killed by these Gyarados, why does he survive from a strong attack? You said strong, so he should naturally be killed byi t if everyone else was.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neosquid View Post
    He wandered off and eventually stumbled onto a swamp-like lake somewhere near Dark Cave. In the lake, Nak met a Water-type Pokemon living there. They soon became friends. Naks friend taught him many things, such as how to fight and survive.
    Besides in survival and fighting, Naks friend was a dim-witt. This urged Nak to explore the surrounding areas, such as the woods. This made him become much more intelligent and familiar with his surroundings.
    Alright, a few problems here:

    1) The first thing that jumps out at me is your grammar: your tenses are inconsistent. Fix that.

    2) Alright, so I like the swampy bit-- it fits him. However, you mentioned that he became friends with a Water-type Pokemon, but you neglected to even mention his/her species, let alone his/her name.

    3) On that note, if he's so smart at surviving and knows how to fight, why is he stupid? To me, it seems like he should be intelligent enough, as survival skills are tough to learn.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neosquid View Post
    After a few years, Nak had returned from a tiring days exploration only to find that his friend was not there. The loneliness drove him to insanity, and became very different. He would only leave the murky waters to get food and play childish pranks on the rare passerby.
    Nak would later find the rebel group. He would join them in an attempt to make something of his life, and perhaps get some reward.
    If he stopped caring about his friend, why would he go insane when this mysterious friend died? Also, where exactly did this friend go? What caused his disappearance? Why is Nak exploring if he knows the lay of the land so well? What made him join the rebel group? Because he was insane? That makes no sense to me at all... you said he wanted to make something of his life, but if he's insane, he wouldn't want to. Not to add that the rebel group is tough, and essentially reserved for those who have had troubles with Zigaram, who you completely neglected to mention, by the way.


    Needless to say, this sign-up needs a lot of work. Not only do you need to add more to your history, but you also need to include the entire sign-up.

    For now, I'm going to have to reject this. Work on it a bit, and I'll see what I can do.

    Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on alright


  5. #494
    ghirahype <(θ)> Neosquid's Avatar
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    OK, OK, I fixed a lot of the stuff. Theres still a few things....sorry I forgot add the other things.

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  6. #495
    Dal
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    The Seagulls Cry. Dal's Avatar
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    My turn, my turn!

    Name: Senjo
    Species of Pokemon: Duskull
    Age: Deceased (or undead, being a ghost type)
    Gender: Male

    Physical Description: Senjo is the mostly the same size and shape as a normal Duskull. Like most Duskull, he is a dark brown-greyish color. The bone markings on his back are a slightly lighter brown, and a very flat, light tan-colored skull is placed over his comepletely black face. The only part of his face shown is his dark blue eye, which goes back and forth between the two eye-socket holes in the skull.

    His shape is that of most Duskull as well. A floating blob with no legs. His skin curls up at the top, slightly in the shape of fire. His arms are long flaps of skin with very small claws. Instead of the normal two bone markings on his back, he has three.

    History: 101 years ago, a Pokemon was lying on the ground, knocked out. When this Pokemon woke up, it had no recollection of what had happened before it fainted, aside from its name, Senjo. When the Pokemon looked at itself in the reflection of a nearby stream, it shocked it to see that it had been turned into a ghost type Pokemon, a Duskull to be more specific.

    Dazed and confused, Senjo traveled away from the water, not wanting to look at himself. It took him awhile to get used to the way Duskull move; he was not used to floating. When he finally got the hang of it, Senjo hurried back to his home village in the Hoenn region. When he got there, the residents were frightened. They hid in their homes, they hid in churches, and they tried to repel them. Digusted and heart-broken, he hovered away, farther, and farther, and farther, never wanting to return again.

    Eventually, Senjo found his way into the Johto region, through means of sneaking in a crate on a Cargo ship. When he arrived on the Johto soil, he wondered where to go. Who would accept a ghost? However, he knew this answer once he floated to Sprout Tower, located in the town of Violet City. The tower was long abandoned and only theives and other law-brakers gathered there. They wouldn't be afraid of a puny Ghost. When Senjo made his way in, he saw other ghosts as well, on the second floor. This, he decided, is where he would live, for now.

    Other: None at the moment.

    ^Thanks Monsteroids^


  7. #496
    Double-You, Em Be Kyew WMBQ's Avatar
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    Nice SU =D

    I would be wondering why he wants to join the rebels, but we discussed this over AIM, and you've supplied me with an acceptable confidential reason. Accepted.

    Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on alright


  8. #497
    ghirahype <(θ)> Neosquid's Avatar
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    Very nice, Dal! A ghost type is a good addition.

    Let me explain a few more things about the SU....

    The reason I dont explain what happened to Quagsire is that something to do with him will pop up later in the story, and I dont like to spoil things.And yes, Nak does care about his friend, they do a few things together.

    The reason Nak survived the rampage while the others didnt is that the others got damaged far more than him. Besides, its not like he was the only survivor.

    Also, what do you mean by "Your tenses were inconsistent"? What do you want me to change?

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  9. #498
    Double-You, Em Be Kyew WMBQ's Avatar
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    1) That still doesn't explain why you mentioned that the Quagsire is good at survival skills and then contradicted yourself by calling him a dim-wit...

    2) Still, you mentioned the attack was strong. The whole "rampage because they were annoyed" is a bit iffy, but I'll accept that because they're Gyarados. Regardless, if many died, and a mere Totodile survived from what you described as a strong attack, I would think the Totodile would die too.

    3) You switched from present to past tense a few times. YOu need ot make it consistent, and preferably all in past tense.

    Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on alright


  10. #499
    WiiChat Member sorabrawl's Avatar
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    OK WMBQ, I've added it to the sign up.

    and yes you are an RP God

  11. #500
    ghirahype <(θ)> Neosquid's Avatar
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    Quagsire is mostly good at survival and fighting because of instinct. Its kinda like animals- most of them are pretty dumb compared to us, yet they know many survival skills. If they couldent survive, they would be extinct.

    Totodile only barely survived the attack, and this was mostly because he got only hit by one attack, while the others that died got hit by more, or were crushed by falling objects.

    I tried to fix the tense thing. So, can I join?....

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