That is brilliant, how long till its all finished, I will buy a copy thats for sure!
I've recently been working on this a bit, all it is is a novel made out of the Ocarina of Time, with more intriquite plot and storyline and MUCH more opinion plus dialogue. I hope you enjoy, but please review truthfully.
Navi…where art thou, Navi? Come hither, Navi. I am in need of thee, Navi. We are facing darker times than thee could imagine, much darker times…
Navi could hear the voice miles away, and instantly sped towards the Kokiri Forest.
Hurry, Navi. I believe time is in it's very short. We have very little time left.
Navi stressed her fairy wings hard, and sped past the Hyrulian village.
Come hither, Navi. I must tell you something of greatest importance.
The fairy reached the Kokiri Forest and went straight pass the tunnel that led to the Deku Tree.
Navi…I need your help…
It was the same dream, as usual.
As Hyrule slept peacefully, dark clouds approached the legendary Temple of Time. Lightning struck on the topmost point of the temple, sending a bolt of energy through the temple.
Outside the temple, stray dogs ran around the Hyrule Village, and the Hyrule Castle loomed over them. Near the castle were many guards, pacing back and forth. Most of Hyrule was in silence, except for the lightning, the dogs barking, and two guards whispering to each other.
"No trespassers? No thieves? Tonight's a weird one," muttered one.
"Aye," agreed the other.
"Actually, nothing interesting has been happening lately, so I've noticed…this job gets more boring every day…thinking of dumping this and heading over to Lon Lon."
The two sat in silence for a while. One tapped their foot impatiently, another whistled.
"Do…you hear that?" asked the guard, who stopped whistling.
The two guards could hear, if they strained their ears closely, a set of hooves being pound into the earth. The hooves, obviously, came from a horse, and in this case, a very strong one. The ground began to shake as the horse came nearer, but the other guards didn't notice.
Soon the guards could see the horse. They both staggered back and unsheathed their swords.
The horse was one of the rare Gerudo horses. It was black, had black armor, and had many tattoos all over it. The saddle was made of sheepskin, but what was sitting on the horse made one guard faint.
"Jerald…?" asked the guard, glancing at the pale body laying next to him. No reply came.
On the horse was a Gerudo man. He had greenish skin with slanted red eyes. His armor was also black, with a large sword sheathed at his waist. His arms were covered with gloves, but there seemed to be a purplish glow in the middle. On his feet were spiked boots, which were digging into the horse's skin.
The guard stepped back and stammered, "N-no people allowed n-near the castle at t-these times…"
"Fool," rasped the man. His voice was like a hundred storms all bellowing at once. The Gerudo raised his hand and the glove's purplish glove began to grow.
Above the Gerudo, purple clouds began to form. The purple clouds grew bigger and bigger, until they enveloped the man completely. But he thrust his glove forward, and sent the clouds speeding towards the guard.
Time seemed to freeze for the guard. The clouds seemed as they were coming very slow, and his breathing was shallow. His adrenaline was pumping, and he could hear his heart in his ears. He couldn't feel anything. His last thought was his wife.
And then the clouds hit its mark. As if some invisible force, the clouds seemed to punch the man almost a hundred feet back. He sped back, bent over, and hit a big tree. His mouth closed as he fell, never to open again.
Up in the sky, a lightning bolt struck down on the man's body, and his body vaporized completely. No remains of the man were left, except for the abandoned weapons laying on the ground.
The man chuckled and dug his boot into the horse's ribs. It neighed and sped towards the castle, as more lightning bolts hit here and there. Soon, no one was left in the Castle Grounds, except for one wicked man.
The castle door blast open with such a force that it splintered in two. Glass shattered, people screamed in agony, and Hyrule was thrown into chaos. Anyone outside the castle could warn someone, but the rest of Hyrule was silent.
Soon, a white horse burst through the castle grounds and sped towards the Hyrule Field. Following was the wicked man, cursing grimly. He frowned and kicked the horse even harder.
The drawbridge creaked open. The hooves of the white horse grew louder, and so did the Gerudo's. The drawbridge guard shouted frantically.
"What are you doing?!" he shouted out into the night.
The white horse, carrying a young girl in a dress and an old woman, sped past him, without acknowledging him.
"Princess?!" the guard breathed. But before he could say anything more, he was run over by the Gerudo horse.
Amidst this all stood a lone boy, gazing at the chaos. The Gerudo Horse neared him, and the man spoke with disgust, "Where did they go, fool?"
The boy staggered back, not saying a word. He took out his sword and readied it.
But the man took no notice; he just laughed. "You think you can challenge me?" He raised his hand and the purple clouds began to form. He was about to thrust his hand forward at the boy when he looked straight into his eyes.
The boy stared right back, no expression.
Something made the horse neigh, and the man kicked his boot into the horse. They ran off into the night, leaving the boy alone with much to ponder. But something caught his eye; something in the sky.
He craned his neck up and gasped; above him were three shooting stars, or so they seemed. They turned out to be three streams of light; one green, one gold, and one blue. They fell towards the Temple of Time, and grew out of sight. The boy fainted. Ten miles away, a boy woke up, sweating hard.
That is brilliant, how long till its all finished, I will buy a copy thats for sure!
That's very cool, you said to review "truthfully", so here goes:
There's a couple minor spelling errors there, nothing that takes the feel away from the story though, just things like "The fairy reached the Kokiri Forest and went straight pass the tunnel that led to the Deku Tree." Where it should be "past", I think.... Hahaha. Maybe a bit of hippocrisy if I'm wrong. :3
Then there's a couple times you use the same word over and over. In some stories this wouldn't matter, but since this is a fantasy story, you're openning your viewers up to a "new, fantasy experience" (I'm aware that the overall concept is from a game and not completely your idea, but it's still a fantasy story), so you should open them up to different words too.
Like how you use "Sped" a couple times in the first paragraph, there's undoubtably a few variations for speeding, "zipped", "bolted' (though that's more of a running variation), "swooped", I dunno. The same thing happens with the word "temple" in the second. You chould change it to "chapel", "monastary", or something, while these may not be 'correct' as they have different names for the fact that they ARE different, the idea I'm giving you is to try to keep using new words, it makes your writing unique, and constantly interesting rather than using the same terms over and over (unless it was something like a characters name ofcourse, an example in this story is to keep using the term "guard" like you have, keep it like that!).
The guards that are standing in duty, you say that when the horses hooves are heard and grow louder and louder, the ground shakes, yet "they didn't notice". That can still gel with the story no problem, but if you're trying to make that small part of the story revolve around what the guards are feeling and whitnessing, you might want to avoid explaining things that they don't even notice, or, change it so that they DO notice the ground shaking. Basically it wraps the story (or atleast this part of it) around the guards, who are the main focus of that segment.
While you get the overall feeling for Gannondorf correct (exceptionally correct since I already knew who it was without you mentionning a name), the tone you described his armour and appearance in was more, 'formally descriptive' than 'image painting', if that makes sense. Basically you say that he's wearing black, has a sword and wears gloves. When you really want to get across the image that "not only is he wearing black, but his SOUL is black" or something like that.
"On the horse was a Gerudo man. He had greenish skin with slanted red eyes. His armor was also black, with a large sword sheathed at his waist. His arms were covered with gloves, ..."
"The horse mimmiced as a pedestal for a shadowed Gerudo man, his back to the sun/moon. From beneath the shadows, the guard could make out a black curiass, of which concealed his heart and any sign of weakness. His sword, cutting the sun/moonlight from behind him, emitted a history of victorious battles, the blade he carries has seen many foes, and slaughtered them all."
I might have gotten a better example maybe... it's just for constructive criticism's sake.
I really liked the story though, please keep at it! I'm looking forward to reading more. ^_^
http://www.gabbly.com/wiichat.com <-live chat with WiiChat usersOriginally Posted by Cyan Winters