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  1. #1
    Guru Brokine's Avatar
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    Castle Spirit's

    This is my first fan fic ever wrote so supportive and constructive criticism would be apprciated.........by the way its really similiar to Kingdom Hearts because it inspired this.

    Castle Spirits

    Chapter 1 “Realm of Light”

    ************************************************** ********

    Imagine a place with pure perfection of beauty, happiness, and greatness. This place exists, it’s called Rol short for Realm of Light. I live in this perfection, you might think its great and all but I really there is no challenge. I wish for more then just being happy and having no challenge. Soon this wish I ask for will become something more then I could ask for. My wish will come true.

    It begins on a happy day as usual but it won’t end the usual way. I got dressed and stared in the mirror I was wearing blue shorts, blue shoes, and a orange sweater. I considered myself cool looking except for my messy black hair that will refuse to stay down.

    I walked out of my small house and looked at the world I was living in. A large cliff with the green, flowers, beautiful plants growing on the side of it. And a large waterfall that came down from the cliff and into the ocean that was right in front of the cliff. People lived in wooden homes built inside the cliff. It looks like paradise.

    As usual I went to the shore and sat there and waited for my friends to come, Kyle and Andrea who are both siblings to each other. They are the greatest pals I could ever ask for. Kyle is like an older brother to me, he teaches me lots of cool things and hangs out with me like a brother would. Andrea on the other hand is becoming less of friend but more of someone I care about she would always be looking on the bright side of things and always smiling.

    I stared into the sky wondering if I what I have right now is what I will only have for the rest of my life till I die. This isn’t the way I want to die I thought. Then Andrea’s head came into view interrupting my thoughts. She smiled at me like she always does, her smile, so happy. She was wearing jean like pink jacket sleeveless covering a white shirt, pink shoes, and a pink jean like short skirt.
    As she was sitting down next to me she started off the conversation. “What are you thinking about?”

    I tried to put what I was thinking into words and then spoke them. “Wanting more then just this I mean look at our lives.” I got to my feet and continued “We have no challenge, without challenge we have no satisfaction in our lives!”

    Andrea took my hand and pulled me down to her. “You ask for to much,” she ran her fingers through my hair “Besides we want to do good for Brokine’s sake.”

    Brokine, our god, he guides us and this is how we got here to paradise.

    “Whatever,” I responded to her statement. “Where is Kyle?”

    “He is coming”

    I looked and there he was walking across the shore wearing jeans, black shoes, and white shirt covered with a blue jacket that was also jean like and sleeveless unzipped. He was also walking with his lucky stick. Kyle gave me a smirk and I did the same.

    Then a rumbling sound came from above. Black clouds started forming in the skies and streaks of light came down from them and then rain. The water seemed to go from blue and clear to black and murky.

    Andrea and I both got to our feet. Then out of the waters were four legged crawling dark figures with red eyes. Andrea grabbed my hand. I looked into her eyes and she had pure fear. I knew I needed to protect her.

    I pulled her hand and we both we ran towards Kyle. Kyle got piled on by the dark figures. His stick rolled towards me. I snagged it and snapped it half. Quickly I gave one to Andrea.

    “Stay here and defend yourself,” I commanded. “I am going to get Kyle!”

    I took one last stare into her eyes that showed something else then just fear. Something I couldn’t describe. Quickly I turned towards Kyle and began swinging recklessly at the dark figures that were on him. It didn’t last long. I began getting, pulled tugged, by the figures until I was down to the ground.

    I didn’t know what they were doing to me but my body began to feel weaker and weaker. I couldn’t move or think. Then I heard a scream from Andrea after that I got my conscious back.

    I tighten the stick, got up, and swung at the figures. It was no longer a stick but a sword with both sides cut circular cut outs that open out. With a better weapon I began attacking the ones around me. Then I saw that there were armies surrounding me.

    I prepared for the worst. As I looked at them how they were all doing a disturbing dance over and over. A flickering sound of wind came from above. In the sky above there was dark round opening began pulling me in. I tried to hold my ground but it didn’t work. In the end I was sucked inside the darkness.

    ************************************************** ******

    Preview for the next chapter

    “I’m Mario.”

    “Call me Link”

    “Puzzle Blade?”

    ************************************************** *

    So what should I do for my next chapter make it longer or keep the same length. Add more details or keep the same amount I had?
    Last edited by Brokine; 08-17-2006 at 01:38 PM.

  2. #2
    WiiChat Member Diomedes's Avatar
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    id say that this may have too many I's at the end (also the begging, just a touch too many) for it to run smoothly.
    Anway, its an excellant chapter, really good storytelling. Hows the rest of the story going?

    *EDIT didnt read the last section, next chapter same length, maybe describing memories and future experiences during through darkness. Meets group, keep the names there good. But call the blade wiiblade
    Last edited by Diomedes; 08-14-2006 at 01:44 AM.


  3. #3
    Guru Brokine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Diomedes
    id say that this may have too many I's at the end (also the begging, just a touch too many) for it to run smoothly.
    Anway, its an excellant chapter, really good storytelling. Hows the rest of the story going?

    *EDIT didnt read the last section, next chapter same length, maybe describing memories and future experiences during through darkness
    Thanks for reading it means alot to me! I know I used I's alot and I'll fix that. I dont know what you mean by begging though.

  4. #4
    WiiChat Member Diomedes's Avatar
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    woops, i ment beginning, sorry for that i should check before posting.

    in simple terms, the first chapter is usually always narrated by a second person view (some unknown person that is not the main character). This sort of storytelling allows the reader to understand the world without a biased view as they may think. To intruge the reader to continue. Causing them to read on, to know what happens in this world.
    Then you may enter first person view as many great writers do.
    i just know this cause i write stories too and read lots.
    When will the next chapter come?
    (good balance of descriptives too, which is important for the first chapters)

  5. #5
    ZALAN nintendowiigaming.piczo's Avatar
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    nice! i'm no expert about telling u advises so i'l stick to just compliments!
    this is a cool story make the klimaks super ! the story reminded me a bit by Loz: TP cause there are figures coming out of these black things from the sky!

    My name is Alan, gaming name is ZaLaN

  6. #6
    :eek: i0n's Avatar
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    Im a bit of a fan fiction fanboy, and this is pretty good for a first time story. Good job buddy look forward to reading more

  7. #7
    Guru Brokine's Avatar
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    Thank you guys for reading this, the next chapter will be posted in a couple days.

  8. #8
    Only took 4 years to get1 MetroidZ's Avatar
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    that is a very good chapter, keep up the hard work.

  9. #9
    Guru Brokine's Avatar
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    Chapter 2 “City of Wonder”

    ************************************************** ******************
    “Come on Ryan you can do better then this,” Kyle pressured.

    I stared at him then tightened my grip on my stick and continued sparring with him. As I swung my stick with everything I had at him he just simply blocked every single attack with his lucky stick. Kyle started to offensive and in no time brought me down to my knees.

    “Better luck next time,” he inspired. Frustration ran through me that I was not able to beat him.

    “Don’t worry Ryan,” Andrea kneeling beside me inspiring “You’ll get him next time!”

    Her voice made me believe I could.

    Thump! I landed hard out of the darkness and from flashback I was just having. Quickly I looked around at where I was at. And saw I was in a totally different world. Andrea and Kyle were nowhere in sight.

    The place I was in had a futuristic look, large long buildings that touch the sky with an extremely funky futuristic look, flying vehicles that were zipping by with robots in there, and pure concrete on the ground. Then I noticed two funny looking people right in front of me.

    One was a black haired, short, chubby, big nose, mustache, dude wearing a blue shirt with red overalls, and a red hat with an M on it. The other person was a blonde hair, pointy ears, tall guy wearing green clothing, and a green hood. They looked as if they were about to fight each other before I came.

    The short one pointed his head towards but was looking at the tall one. The tall one nodded. They were going to gang up on me. They both charged at me the tall one had a shield and the short one had nothing. Quickly I got up and held my sword out at them.

    They were nearly in reach of my sword. I pulled my sword back ready to swing. Thump! A loud noise came from behind. The faces on the short and tall guys were both shocked. I turned to only see a giant dark figure with red eyes. Like the one I saw in Rol except the size of two house stacked up on each other.

    I looked at the two guys and pointed my head towards the giant dark figure the short one and tall one looked at each other then me and nodded. Then we charged at the dark figure.

    The dark figure threw his fist down at the short one but in a flash he jumped and landed on fist and started running up his arm. The tall pulled out a bow and started launching arrows right at the eyes. These guys were good, I wasn’t I just stood there and watched.

    The tall guy completely blinded the monster and the short guy reached the top of the monster’s head and was shooting out balls of flame out of his hands at it.. All the sudden the monster grew new eyes and a hand came out his head knocking him down as I saw him fall I decided to make myself useful by catching him. I just ended up breaking his fall.

    Then the dark creature’s chest was cut open and a man was flying. The dark figured shattered and then disappeared. The man who cut him open looked much like someone I never expected to see at a time like this, our god, Brokine. He wore blue armor with gold lines. In his hands looked like a remote controller with an three buttons in the center, on top there was a pad that went up, down, left, right and a big button that had an A on it, on bottom were two small buttons, and there was a trigger on there remote that had a B on it. At the tip of the remote was a long energy beam.

    That wasn’t what grabbed my attention it was his looks. He looked like Brokine the great god. I needed to know so I asked him.

    Brokine looked at me and smiled and then answered. “No I am his sender to give you this,” he handed me a metal X. “Twist this and it will make a portal for you to go to each realm to collect Puzzle Blades.”

    “Puzzle Blades?” I asked curiously

    “Yes like the one you have,” he looked at the tall and short guys. “If you guys wanna get home then I suggest you assist him.”

    Then he started fading. “Hey wait!” I demanded.

    “Do as I say and you will have all your questions answered.” Brokine’s sender said.

    Finally he was gone. I looked towards the other two. “Well I’m Ryan,”

    “I’m Mario,” said the short one.

    “Call me Link,” the tall one said.

    ************************************************** *******************

    Preview for the next chapter!

    “How could a god be in trouble?”

    “It looks like a balloon,”

    “Meta what?
    ************************************************** *****************
    So! Was it good!?!?
    Last edited by Brokine; 08-17-2006 at 01:35 PM.

  10. #10
    Guru Brokine's Avatar
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    Chapter 3 “Land of Dreams”
    ************************************************** ********

    “So that was your god’s sender right Brokine’s sender that showed up just in time?” Link asked.

    I nodded.

    “I liked his weapon,” Mario thought out loud.

    “It sounds like Brokine is in some sort of trouble,” Link speculated.

    “How could a god be in trouble?” I asked.

    “There is something going on that you probably don’t know about,” Mario answered.

    “Whatever,” I responded. “Let’s go to this realm and get the puzzle blade and move to the next one”

    “We don’t know how many puzzle blades we’ll have to collect,” Link pointed out.

    “We are going to have to find out aren’t we?” I responded pointing the metal X out and remembering the slim instructions I was given. I twisted it and then the X shot out a black circle like the one I was sucked in Rol. Just like the one at home did this portal did the same thing it sucked me in along with Mario and Link.

    The sender must have given me my puzzle blade and created that portal before I thought. We were zooming through complete tunnel of darkness Link had a green aura around, Mario had a red, and mine was orange. At the end of this dark tunnel we could see a forest. Thump! We landed in that forest. Our aura was gone.

    “You guys are all right?” I asked as I got to my feet. Link nodded and Mario put his thumb up. “Great lets head towards that long thing in the distance.”

    “Why there?” Mario asked.

    “Why not,” I answered. “We don’t have a clue where the puzzle blade is so let’s just take a guess where it could be.”

    As we were walking along were learning about each other.

    “I’m just a plumber,” Mario started. “Who happens to save a princess on a daily basis.”

    “I am a warrior,” Link began. “Who just does lots of quests that save the world.”

    “And yet you don’t have a sword,” I pointed out.

    “I do but it was taken from,” Link explained.

    “I see,”

    “Hey what’s that?” Mario pointed towards a round pink ball with stubby hands and short feet. “It looks like a balloon”.

    Then little pink guy was running, wait no he was being chased by a blue ball, dark wings, metal armor on the face that had a v’ish look where you could see his bright yellow eyes. The armored little guy pulled a golden sword where two points go out then up on both sides.

    “I am Meta Knight,” the metal armored face ball declared. “I am after Kirby step aside.”

    “Meta what?” Link asked.

    Meta Knight ignored him and swung his blade toward Kirby but Kirby was lucky enough to dodge it.

    “Hey!” I exclaimed and without even thinking I charged at Meta Knight with my puzzle blade facing him. So skilled Meta Knight jumped and hit my blade out of my hand. I stepped back. Meta Knight attempted to pick up my sword but it was sucked up by Kirby. My sword was inside Kirby’s mouth somehow making Kirby transform into a warrior looking. The new looking Kirby went up against Meta Knight.

    “I have a plan!” Link exclaimed. “Keep him busy Kirby! Mario shoot a fireball at his face.”

    Mario did, as the fireball was coming Meta Knight pushed Kirby back and swung at the fireball destroying it. What he didn’t know was that Link shot an arrow right behind the fireball. The arrow impaled Meta Knight right between the eyes. Darkness came out of Meta Knight and disappeared.

    “We got him!”
    ************************************************** *****
    Preview for next chapter

    “The darkness?”

    “We can’t defeat them all!”

    “Look! They are fighting them!”

    ************************************************** *****

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