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  1. #1
    Banned Joe's Avatar
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    What do you think about this short story I wrote?

    Here is a short story that I wrote a few years ago. Just think of it as a summery.... I found it in my closet just a few hours ago and I want to see what you guys think. It is very hard to follow but thats on purpose.
    Anyways its summer and I have plenty of time to create a real book like I had planned to. So what do you think?

    There was a time where demons ruled this world, a time where law did not exist. Death, suffering, hatred, no one could understand why! As time progressed man stood against this evil. Parts of the world were wiped out of existance. Few remained....

    In a place known as demon valley, woman and children hid. One long day, the blue peacful skies slowly seemed to fade to complete blackness.....smoke had covered the skies, the valley was heavily attacked. At the end of the bloody battle, only one soul remaind. A small boy was spared in the name of the gods. The boy without hesitation set off to the Sun and Moon Temple to plead for gods themselves to demolish the evil that lurks upon the world. He spent years crossing dangerous lands and comfronted the true evil that the world possessed. But the boy never made his way to the temple, he was killed by what is now an unknown force. The boy's journey of courage and strength would not be forgotten, it would be repeated in time.....

    After the world was a giant wastland filled with souless dead bodies, mankind left the world. The very few that remaind reached for the stars. For a time, man had lived beyond the skies. As decades passed mankind found new ways to live without their precious world. However the last decendants of the ancients returned to their planet to rebuild civilization. With the demons temporarily gone, the decendants could live their lifes as the first beings had.......

    so what do u think? That was a very short version of what I originally wrote. But really their were plenty of things in that story to start a real book off. So if I do create a book then it would clear up all that.
    Last edited by Joe; 06-04-2007 at 04:31 AM.

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  3. #2
    Banned Taills's Avatar
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    If you want, go ahead. You have a lot of points to clear up though.


    I started writing a story awhile ago. Apocalyptic/Romance/Horror. I got around the 100th or so page, started reading it, didn't like how it went, and deleted it.

    Hope you have better luck though.

  4. #3
    Banned Joe's Avatar
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    thanks^_^
    Really,
    you could really consider it as a very undetailed summery
    Last edited by Joe; 06-04-2007 at 03:33 AM.

  5. #4
    I GOT A JAR OF DIRT. surfinrach90's Avatar
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    I think this has got great potential, if I were you I'd go ahead and do it =]

  6. #5
    WiiChat Veteran Riviet's Avatar
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    Seems pretty good, you should think of some names to call your various lands and places, instead of using unoriginal names like "demon valley".

  7. #6
    Anglophobiphile Brawny's Avatar
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    Hm...decent. Although I don't really have an eye for fantasy. (except lotr that is)

    @ Taills...what...other stories do you write?

  8. #7
    Controversial. DRMARIO's Avatar
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    It's a little basic..and Predictable.

    It seems theres a little too much '....'s in it. That began to irritate me.

    Demon valley sounds a little Amateur aswell. Try and think of some Imaginative names.

    Personally, If it was a book, It woudn't be something I'd buy. It seems you're trying to make it sound 'dark and mysterious' but I don't think you've pulled it off very well. I apologise for lack of help on that matter, but I'm off to see my grandfather now. He's living on his own for a while, and he isn't too well.

    Enoch was right.


  9. #8
    Banned Joe's Avatar
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    Predictable.....wow.....

    but thanks for the comments, good or bad, it helps me. Ive decided to make a book of it though...but as for demon valley...well trust me Im usually better with names...lol

    (and the “......” I just tend to do that...SEE! Its not on purpose its more of a habit)
    Last edited by Joe; 06-04-2007 at 08:13 PM.

  10. #9
    Novocain Stain'd ssbb_lover's Avatar
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    It's ok...i'd build up the characters a bit more though, instead of making it all about the dark scenery and how the main character's family was slaughtered, etc. Make sure you get more in to their personal lives almost. Dabble in romance a bit so it's not just straight forward revenge/battle/etc. the whole book.

    You know what I mean? Just make it stand out.

    Super Moderator - PM me if you have any issues.

    We Want Young Blood.


  11. #10
    Junior Member Alucard's Avatar
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    Sorta agree

    I like it but I hope this is just a rough draft,2 words misspelled wasteland and confronted.Besides that fact,I agree with the whole Demon Valley being too cliché.I would name it Valley of Death just because it sounded cool.It further sparked a impression on me setting the atmosphere of the story.I'm not 100% sure about being a novel but it'll be great for a backstory of a game.Lastly,its a book I would pick-up to read.That's saying something I've haven't read a book aleast a decade.Man,you got to post what written in the future later.
    Last edited by Alucard; 06-04-2007 at 08:29 PM.

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