I agree with Wiired...that second line's just a bit long...
i.e. Or is it something one won't feel?
iono...you're ten times better than me so maybe you'll have more success tweaking it =P
That was beautiful man (wipes tear off of eye)Originally Posted by StevenNevets
Definetly worth a little somethin' somethin'
Your poem works. I just printed it out and gave it to my girlfriend. She cried, then french kissed me. It was amazing.
Hm, well, I get to give you the female point of view, I guess, you should get WWL2P though, she's actually nice.
So, anyway, I think that your poem needs more imagination in it, for example, you are just telling her about your future hopes, when actually, you should be telling her why you want to grow old together and why you chose her over everyone else in the world. Emphasise she's the only one.
I did poetry in english, and I'm not a big fan of it myself, but most poems written by the male side of view had a lot of talk dedicated to the girlfriend rather than themself, as they thought she deserves more of a mention.
I'm not going to try and fix it, anyone else fixing it wouldn't make it your poem, and I'm really bad at writing poetry...
I love you, Adam.