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  1. #11
    Falopian Tube Suner52's Avatar
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    Good poem
    stop

    and stare.

  2. #12
    Super Geek Shadowking's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiired...that second line's just a bit long...

    i.e. Or is it something one won't feel?

    iono...you're ten times better than me so maybe you'll have more success tweaking it =P


    Spoiler Alert!


  3. #13
    Make Love Not War tijuana1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StevenNevets
    This is the first poem I've written in my life. The meaning and words are mine but a friend of mine tweaked it a little. It was sounding more like freestyle rap then a poem.

    (Yes it's for my girl)




    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are my treasure.
    Every time I talk to you
    I feel unforgettable pleasure.

    2.
    You offered to show me things that I couldn’t see,
    Our love boiling to the last degree.
    You're my world I want you to know
    Our love is big and it will always grow.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much in store.
    Let me spend it with you
    It will become so much more.
    I’ll be there for you,
    And you will be there for me.
    For once in our lives there will be a we.

    4.
    I want to be with you forever.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you dear,
    I'm just glad you're mine…
    You're here.
    That was beautiful man (wipes tear off of eye)
    Definetly worth a little somethin' somethin'

  4. #14
    WiiChat.com>Match.com TacosTacos's Avatar
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    Your poem works. I just printed it out and gave it to my girlfriend. She cried, then french kissed me. It was amazing.

  5. #15
    God Complex Frogger's Avatar
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    Hm, well, I get to give you the female point of view, I guess, you should get WWL2P though, she's actually nice.

    So, anyway, I think that your poem needs more imagination in it, for example, you are just telling her about your future hopes, when actually, you should be telling her why you want to grow old together and why you chose her over everyone else in the world. Emphasise she's the only one.

    I did poetry in english, and I'm not a big fan of it myself, but most poems written by the male side of view had a lot of talk dedicated to the girlfriend rather than themself, as they thought she deserves more of a mention.

    I'm not going to try and fix it, anyone else fixing it wouldn't make it your poem, and I'm really bad at writing poetry...
    I love you, Adam.


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