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  1. #1
    WiiChat Member StevenNevets's Avatar
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    Critique my poem?

    This is the first poem I've written in my life. The meaning and words are mine but a friend of mine tweaked it a little. It was sounding more like freestyle rap then a poem.

    (Yes it's for my girl)




    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are my treasure.
    Every time I talk to you
    I feel unforgettable pleasure.

    2.
    You offered to show me things that I couldnít see,
    Our love boiling to the last degree.
    You're my world I want you to know
    Our love is big and it will always grow.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much in store.
    Let me spend it with you
    It will become so much more.
    Iíll be there for you,
    And you will be there for me.
    For once in our lives there will be a we.

    4.
    I want to be with you forever.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you dear,
    I'm just glad you're mineÖ
    You're here.


    a;lfjljljf2;lasf

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  3. #2
    wtreur Kiwi's Avatar
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    It's pretty good. I actually read through the whole thing this time without loosing interest.

  4. #3
    PaPa RoAcH =] proach0812's Avatar
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    Good PoEm!!
    Hello Im a De De De thats sucks at spelling De De De

  5. #4
    Senior Member CantGetAWii's Avatar
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    Good poem.
    Could even become a song, maybe let my band have the rights to it

    But really good poem man.

    CantGetAWii
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  6. #5
    WiiChat Member Skorp's Avatar
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    Its a good start, definitely needs some work. Here's some tweaking.

    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are a treasure.
    Talking to you brings me
    Pleasure I cannot measure.

    2.
    You showed me things I could never see.
    Our love boiled to the highest degree.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much to share.
    Let me spend it with you
    We make a perfect pair.

    4.
    If you will be my key
    I will be your door
    And open for us to see
    What life has in store.

    5.
    I love to be with you.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you my dear,
    I'm just glad you're mine…
    Glad that you're here.

    I think you should just scratch the last part (5). I don't know how old you are but girls these days don't like too much commitment at an early age. The last bit sounds a little needy too. It'd be better if you left out the last part and just expressed it to her verbally. It sounds better if you end after 4 anyway.

    Best of luck, and remember, the only sure thing is abstinence, but if you must, use a condom
    Last edited by Skorp; 08-10-2007 at 12:43 AM.

  7. #6
    WiiChat Member StevenNevets's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skorp
    Its a good start, definitely needs some work. Here's some tweaking.

    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are a treasure.
    Talking to you brings me
    Pleasure I cannot measure.

    2.
    You showed me things I could never see.
    Our love boiled to the highest degree.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much to share.
    Let me spend it with you
    We make a perfect pair.

    4.
    If you will be my key
    I will be your door
    And open for us to see
    What life has in store.

    5.
    I want to be with you.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you dear,
    I'm just glad you're mine…
    You're here.

    I think you should just scratch the last part (5). I don't know how old you are but girls these days don't like too much commitment at an early age. The last bit sounds a little needy too. Just my two cents. It sounds better if you end after 4 anyway.

    Best of luck, and remember, use a condom.
    Thanks everyone else for the good comments but I know it's not that good.

    ^Skorp^ thank you for the fixes.
    I'm telling you now she isn't that typical girlfriend though.

    And yes use condoms haha


    a;lfjljljf2;lasf

  8. #7
    HITLER ME JEZ King Wiired's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwi
    It's pretty good. I actually read through the whole thing this time without loosing interest.
    What he said. Whenever I read poetry I sort of 'rap' it, to make sense of the rhythm, and you succeeded in providing rhythm. Keep writing bud.

  9. #8
    Am I Losing Friends? +Maniacal=Maniac+'s Avatar
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    Great Job!!! That Is A Great Poem You Got There.

    Keep Up The Good Work!

    Meh


  10. #9
    WiiChat Member StevenNevets's Avatar
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    Commitment, is it real?
    Maybe it’s something that only one will feel.
    Perfect matches, are there none?
    For I’m in love with just that one.
    Is she coming or just a fake?
    Until she comes my heart will ache.




    ^BAH
    Last edited by StevenNevets; 08-14-2007 at 12:18 PM.


    a;lfjljljf2;lasf

  11. #10
    HITLER ME JEZ King Wiired's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StevenNevets
    Commitment, is it real?
    Maybe itís something that only one will feel.
    Perfect matches, are there none?
    For Iím in love with just that one.
    Is she coming or just a fake?
    Until she comes my heart will ache.





    ^BAH
    Quality line, though I feel the second line of that stanza's too long.. try shortening it?

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