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  1. #11
    Super Ninjarator Foxy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by {Axtlár}
    Well, yes thank you...as you get near the ending it will have other confusing stuff, so like I told you: all of this is intentional..I'll be sure to have my next novels as one: a script.
    Looking forward to it, this one is pretty nice and it is mixed which is my only point.

    The next one will be very good

    English is not your first language I believe?

  2. #12
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cpt.McCloud
    Looking forward to it, this one is pretty nice and it is mixed which is my only point.

    The next one will be very good

    English is not your first language I believe?
    Yeah, it isn't, I'm glad you noticed, but, where is this obvious in the story?

    The end is near....Or is it the beginning?
    it's THE BEGINNING of an endless fall into a precipice of epic Brawling fun.
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  3. #13
    Super Ninjarator Foxy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by {Axtlár}
    Yeah, it isn't, I'm glad you noticed, but, where is this obvious in the story?
    No No I didnt notice in the story, it is just something I think is worth mentioning.

    You wrote this very well even though it is your second language.

  4. #14
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Thanks! I have been studying since 1st grade back in Mexico...Well if you haven't read the second chapter, it's above, so be sure to read it.

    The end is near....Or is it the beginning?
    it's THE BEGINNING of an endless fall into a precipice of epic Brawling fun.
    Add me to Brawl:
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    if you added me, send me a pm with your code too, please.

  5. #15
    Controversial. DRMARIO's Avatar
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    Considering it's a 'novel', those are remarkably short chapters.

    Enoch was right.


  6. #16
    Locke likes oranges Marioman's Avatar
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    Second Chapter was pretty interesting, keep up the good work

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  7. #17
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Yes I know, it is a prototype(if you'd like) of a short novel, if you guys like it, I will make it a full novel with many pages and even will attempt to publish it. So what do you think so far Dr Mario? aside from that?

    Oh thanks, Marioman!

    Here's the third chapter by the way:


    Chapter 3: Encounters

    The next morning, everyone had a special banquet of different foods like caterpillars and worms for breakfast but Oruba refused to eat, for she feels guilt to eat smaller creatures than themselves. Xinté is accustomed to eating this kinds of foods, even though his favorite is meat, Vatlin ate them without a problem, he even enjoyed them, as the rest of the infants, nevertheless, Conito caught some fish and ate them as they’re his favorite food. Vatlin has been cured thanks to Tekhorii and Oruba, and so he departed after saying farewell and giving them a promise of a return someday to repay the favor.
    The 6 infants continued on their journey, they walked and walked through the forest, and quite suddenly, they notice something far away that looks back at them, and they all halt in silence.
    Xinté:*quietly* He’s from the…killer tribe.
    Oruba: I would call cannibalism to what that tribe does.
    Tekhorii: Xinté’s point was to get out of here before “that” begins his “cannibalism” act.
    *Muñiña hides behind a bush*
    Licheca:*in a tough manner* I will take him! *Walks forward to him*
    Conito: *Stops and carries her back with the rest quickly while she kicks* No, Licheca, this one is too big for you to handle.
    The native is from the Vimillo tribe; he’s long and with a vile and vicious face.
    Tekhorii: The secret is to not show fear, remember that divided we fall, while united we stand.
    The Vimillense native climbed a tree and everyone was tranquil and let their guard down. Conito put Licheca down and Oruba stood, since she was crouching. They heard the noise of branches moving, turned around, and there he was; the native ready to devour Muñiña from behind as she stood still in fear trembling a bit hiding behind the bush, still, Conito quickly took him down the tree with his limbs and stumped his face, knocking him out as he was fallen in the ground, then he put him inside a deep hole from which he could not get out.
    Everyone relaxed again, but now more than ever; they kept their eyes wide open.
    As they arrive at a small pool of water naturally formed, Conito immediately went in and swam happily.
    Conito: Ahhh, I could not stand not being in water.
    And everyone went in afterwards except for the shy Muñiña, and Xinté, who dislikes the water. As the couple watched them have fun, they began to chat.
    Xinté: So, what do you think there will be out of this forest, Muñiña?
    Muñiña: I don’t knooow…Maybe a very pretty paradise, with so many flowers, and waterfalls, and beautiful butterflies. *she giggles sweetly*
    Xinté: *smiles* I think the same, and we will all be happy there.
    Everyone passed the night together below the stars, and each one of them told a tale, they laughed, enjoyed and slept.

    The next day, after the infants had fully woken up, they continued on until they had finally began to enter the outdoors of the forest; the trees seemed uglier, almost dead, and there was an obvious foul aroma in the air which they had never smelled in their lives.
    They were now at the edge of the forest, where there lied what seemed to be a long river going across their path, it was between their world and the paradise they are willing to venture, but it was a strange river indeed; it was gray, fractured, and it shined.
    Licheca: What Erlood is that?
    Conito: First the trees, then the air, and now the water is dirty, too? *touches it with the tip of his lower limb and gasps shocked* It is hard!
    Everyone was surprised at this but they proposed to go through it.
    Xinté: let us pass quickly; it looks like it will thaw.
    Everyone passed through, but now, what captured their sights and petrified them, was something in front very far away, or very immense, or the two combined, it looked bigger than the trees, waterfalls, and mounts from heir lands, it was something burning with a face of agony spitting smoke from its various mouths.
    The infants could not move, they were fearful and they began to feel extreme inner transformations, and then they saw the worst: the beasts…Standing there near the enormous fire breathing monster, no infant could speak of their fears, and without thinking, they ran, from every side the beasts appeared; they were big, white with inexpressive black eyes like a fly’s, big noses, and large limbs. They captured the 6 infants, Muñiña could not even move, Oruba would kick, even though she has strong lower limbs, nothing happened, Conito also defended himself; they had him by his upper limbs, covering his speaking area, but he bit them..With no result, Tekhorii also attacked in the same manner, but one of the beasts began to act viciously and so he hid his face to avoid any harm, Licheca tried to escape by running and jumping as fast as she could, but they still took her, Xinté was the rebel in this ocassion, he was furiously attacking, trying to get away, so they stabbed him with something he recognized instantly: Vatlin had it in his right limb, and then, Xinté fainted.
    Various clouds have passed now, and Xinté woke up feeling the night, but the place he was in was day, he did not understand, he looked around and saw his friends separated in small cells. Muñiña was hiding between her limbs, Tekhorii was either sleeping or fainted, but couldn’t quite be analyzed, Licheca was trying to get out, neither Oruba nor Conito appeared to be inside the strange chamber unlike anything they have ever seen.
    Xinté:Conito…Oruba! *Starts to cry with much feeling* what is this? *Says with cracked voice*
    Muñiña sees him crying and begins to cry also, accompanying him. Screams and Yells from other tribes can be heard as they are being tortured, everything as Vatlin told it, then loud cries coming from Oruba from another place.
    Xinté: Oruba!….ORUBAAAA!!!!
    And night ends with suffering.
    Last edited by {Axtlár}; 09-23-2007 at 12:44 PM.

    The end is near....Or is it the beginning?
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    Add me to Brawl:
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  8. #18
    Controversial. DRMARIO's Avatar
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    To be quite frank, I didn't read it.

    But I do believe that if one were to write a book, write it first off. Spend lots of time, but don't make a LONG draft, or prototype like you just claimed.

    Enoch was right.


  9. #19
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    All right, thanks for your observations.

    The end is near....Or is it the beginning?
    it's THE BEGINNING of an endless fall into a precipice of epic Brawling fun.
    Add me to Brawl:
    FC: 317957548849
    User name: AXTLR
    if you added me, send me a pm with your code too, please.

  10. #20
    God Complex Frogger's Avatar
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    Hm, I don't read, but I do like to write... Don't judge me.

    First of all, I noticed that it was very hard to read like the structure, your paragraphs need to be spaced out more clearly because my eyes kept jumbling up words and lines. To some people, spacing matters, and it really messes up my point in the story.

    Another thing, you've written it like a script, fair enough if you were going to write a play, but as the Cappin' has kindly pipped me to my post I think that you should incorporate speech as if it wasn't an internet language. Describe their actions and use more words rather than 'said.' Just totally forget that the colon key exists and try to make the story flow, reading out the names of people who are talking, that shouldn't be a problem in a novel, they can direct it very well who is talking to who.

    As I've said, I don't like to read, I'm a playwrite. =/

    You're going into much more depth, I like that.
    I love you, Adam.


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