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  1. #21
    Locke likes oranges Marioman's Avatar
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    Frogger makes some good points so you'd be wise to follow them axtlar, but I'm no writter so I won't do any of the critizing...oh and third chapter was interesting, that means good lol

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  2. #22
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Thank you, Frogger for your points, but it was intentional, I will however use the script technique for future novels, this one stays like it is. I'll try to make the spacing better for you. So, I understand that you guys have understood perfectly the story until now? what are your thoughts of the story(not the methods of writing, spacing, etc) is there a favorite character so far? what parts have been resounding for you?
    Last edited by {Axtlár}; 09-22-2007 at 08:26 PM.

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  3. #23
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    In the third chapter, each one of the infants tells a tale, each of those tales is important in their lives and may have a meaning of their behaviors..So before posting the 4th and final chapter, here are the first three of six tales:


    Oruba’s Tale

    Nativity.
    Among enclosed spaces one can feel a humid, warm, air covering one’s entire body, it is one’s home where one feels connected, fed, and comfortable. One’s desire is to never leave home. But as one enjoys, reminiscences are brought to one about one’s past home; one felt smaller but with more liberty, shame, no dependency as the modern home. One’s thoughts on themes particularly accorded depend entirely on one’s particularly accorded events occurring to one, for that reason, my thought was that every single other had a partner in one’s home, together always, the reality was not that. Inside my home, there she was; a partner close to me, feeding with me, enjoying with me, and with her, I thought of where our origins have been from, how we suddenly had the power to think in our ancient, first home, where we were freer, but not as comfortable. We, my partner and I, became closer, we did not want to depart of our ways, comfortable ways, and we knew we were happy; we were smiling inertly. And then our home felt as if it was tumbling, falling and ripping apart. We felt an immediate destruction of our home, an interruption of our comfortableness, it felt like we were dying, burning, and we were taken apart from our home. We were in a new home now, at least we thought, but we recognized our ancient, previous home and I stayed beside it close to it, crying to it. My partner tried to do so also, but she could not stand nor walk…So our ancient, previous home did not want her and she was taken elsewhere, I stayed with my ancient, previous home I now know as mother, and await that moment in which I will find my partner, my sister.

    Tekhorii’s Tale

    My tribe often tells a legend of how we have become defused to the earth and to nature as we once were.
    When my ancestors were the masters of all these lands, there were no other tribes as our neighbors, they were alone in all this territory, they were spiritually adapted to everything, they were amalgamated to the earth, they would embrace it and would hope of one day in the future that the tribe would rise and unify themselves more to become masters of the afar places unknown to them. One day, a very strange event happened: my ancestors saw reflections in the sky coming towards them, with an air potent blowing through them all, and then an “extraneous tribe” was unveiled. The tribe showed my ancestors advanced manners in life, advanced choices for foods, advanced and new ways of communication, and my ancestors became wiser and more intelligent than ever, then to my ancestors’ disillusion, the extraneous tribe began taking each of my ancestors and would not return them, so my ancestors departed from the land into another one where the extraneous tribe would not find them and so they did not, but my ancestors were now few and they started over what they were finishing, but then came more and more different tribes to live there, and so my ancestors’ dreams have not come true even to this date.





    Muñiña’s Tale

    There once was a very beautiful she-infant who knew it because every other infant would say so and she would look herself in the water, admiring herself. She was quite observant, for she would turn her eyes at everything that was brilliant and beautiful; butterflies flying majestically, shining drops of water as she splashed it, the faces of her friends, she loved to observe every little detail in everything; every color of each of the flowers, every form of the plants, mounts, waterfalls, rocks, and tribes. Though she was not completely happy for she needed the company of an infant to be at her side always, but nothing could stop her, as she had nothing to fear, after all, she had no imperfections, she was perfect. So she got the attention of an infant and became her companion instantly. After much time of being companions, he, the she-infant’s companion began noticing that she was more and more interested in herself only, that she was selfish, always trying to look more beautiful, so he departed her but to his surprise, she did not even care and would go on to have another companion, and another and another. As she was grown, she understood that she did not need a companion anymore, the only thing that she needed was herself, but as she did not appreciate completely anymore her privilege to observe, instead she observed herself always, she was observing and admiring herself in the water, she got her face closer to the water, and closer looking at herself, she closed her eyes and prepared to kiss the water when an enormous fish ate her whole.
    Last edited by {Axtlár}; 09-24-2007 at 09:25 AM.

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  4. #24
    </3 Minako's Avatar
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    If you have this unique taste for script writing, wouldn't you rather write scripts for movies than make novels? ^^ Both are perfectly fine, though. These chapters hold very... cultural aspects and ideas. Reading script really brings back a lot of old memories, when I first started reading books and such. ^^

    I love the names, too. XD Keep up the good work.
    Sorry if I'm not good at constructive criticism or anything. ^^()

    Currently Playing: Lunar Knights

    Videogames like...run through my blood. Leik srsly.

    Next on the list: FE:Path of Radiance (SHAH I'm lame and still haven't gotten it. XD)


  5. #25
    Super Geek Shadowking's Avatar
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    Hm, very detailed and has lots of potential...but it's a little hard to follow: the first chapter moves a little too quickly. Maybe if you could clear up what exactly is going on (I finally figured it out but I lost interest before I did) it would be better. I'll read the second chapter later now that I know what's going on but right now I have a headache O_o


    Spoiler Alert!


  6. #26
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Lol, S.S. well I'm glad you figured out what was going on, if you still don't undertsnad just tell me and I'll be happy to explain.

    and Minkao, your crticism is good, thanks, and yeah I know the script is weird because it's a combination of a play and script so you're right to call it script for a movie.

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  7. #27
    Bleach & Heroes fan. Byuakuya's Avatar
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    Other than the already mentioned play/script issue, it is pretty cool. Also, I am not meaning to sound harsh here, but there are some spelling mistakes within that piece, which I noticed while I was reading. Here is an example:

    The next day, the jury announced that the verdict was approved...The court fell silent again, then various mothers fainted. All 6 infants would say good-bye to their parents and older siblings, who gifted them an immense quantity of food and things they would need for their boyage...

    Overall, it is a well thought out piece, so goodluck with future writing pieces.

    The key to immortality is first living a life
    worth remembering. - Bruce Lee


    PSN ID: Byuakuya


  8. #28
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    You're right, it's spelled with a V..sorry about that, I was typing so fast I didn't notice..thanks

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  9. #29
    Del fuego he resurgido {Axtlár}'s Avatar
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    Tomorrow I will post the last chapter, but for now, here are the last 3 tales:


    Conito’s Tale

    My tale is entertaining to my eyes at least…I believe you will enjoy it the most, Tekhorii.
    The village began to be invaded with bad tribes and with the fury of nature, there were fires from raging mountains in every place you would look, strong swirling airs taking each of our tribes. So the elders from the dying tribes decided to commend one of each of 6 tribes and make them powerful, and so they became powerful and bigger than before, there was J’eytny(looks at Oruba), Zarac(pats Mu&#241;i&#241;a on the back), Tuggia(looks at Tekhorii), Brigtenzus(looks at Licheca), Iztx&#237;tl(looks at Xint&#233, and Clemegro(closes eyes). They began by quarantining the whole village, but the bad tribes were exited with obligatory force by themselves, they used their spiritual powers to cease the raging fire, they touched the swirling airs to make them vanish and return the victim tribes, they made a circle around the raging mountains and made it tranquil, nature gave them their appreciation and would rest, but the powerful 6 had to be watchful to protect the village, they came across a new threat which was huge, it even was more scary than the mentioned beasts, it was all the invading bad tribes combined into one huge entity, with limbs coming out of every side and with lots of faces, each one different. The entity was so powerful that the powerful 6 could not vanquish it, but they kept trying and trying… and trying, they did not give up, and so they amalgamated into one entity and finally took the entity down nearing their death, they each fell ready to depart from their world into the heavens, but the villagers came together and seeing their heroes down, made them sad, each of them united their limbs and shared spiritual pieces to go into each of the powerful 6’s souls, and so they came to life once more and rose again, the villagers were happy again and so were the Powerful 6, they let the villagers celebrate and the heroes would stay ever watchful, taking care of their village.

    Licheca’s Tale

    I was practicing my defense moves one time, and then my mother asked me to go get a pear from trees, not peaches because my family is allergic to them even though I love them so much, so pears, so I was running as fast as I could into the leaf path of our village, and I had to cross a huge lake of mud that was blocking my pass, and I entered it and almost got stuck in the ugly thick mud, but kept on going and I now was so dirty that I looked like the Ghichamca tribe. And then all the little creatures came at me prepared to fight so I splattered them all with my feet with style, I jumped high in the sky and descended slashing my limbs at them, and then laughed at them while all of them fell unable to move, “HAHAHA”. I then came across a slim passageway I had to go through for there were spikes all over the path! And so I crossed the safe passageway only to find it was full of spider webs and they trapped me and were preparing to eat me alive! But I could not let them do that to me, so I knew what I had to do; I opened my speaking area and I ate the whole spider web with all and the spiders! “HAHAHA” I laughed again, plus I was a little hungry. Then I noticed in front of me the trunk bridge to cross the wild river was destroyed! So I had to make a long jump, good thing I am a good jumper, so then I jumped as far and long as I could and I barely made it to the other side, I almost fell! But my balance is perfect. Then those cannibals from the Vimillense tribe came and wanted to eat me, everyone wanted to eat me that day, so I approached them with my chin up and told them “you can eat me if you beat me only!” and they tried to hit me but I was quicker than them and I did a flying kick and then they got me with their lower limb, and trapped me crushing me with their bodies, but I slipped off and kicked them once again and made their limbs get tangled and they couldn’t move now “HAHAHA” I laughed, (“see, Conito? I could have beaten that one!”) and then after that I arrived at the tree and I quickly grabbed the fruit and went running as fast as I could back to my home, and when I got there my mom told me “Lichi, why did you bring a peach?! Go get the pear!” and I looked down and noticed it was a peach, so I grumbled and started running as fast as I could again.

    Xint&#233;’s Tale

    All of you have great tales…What I am to tell is not a tale, but an appreciation of you, my eternal friends. To me, all of you are my heroes, and I want to stay with you all the time, I would not want to be an adult like the others and argue most of times, I hope we find our paradise to live like we want to live. I love you deeply, my friends.(The six infants would cry and hug each other after this, but then they demanded a tale from Xint&#233; happily) So be it, I will tell a tale:
    Once upon time, in a far, very far away land, there existed only one from the Eros tribe(“like Vatlin”) he was called De and he lived among cacti that talked with him always, they were his friends, but he still felt lonely, so he often imagined friends by his side, feeling the air running through their skins, the friends soon came to life and took De away to a magical place where logic was not defied, where everything made sense and clearly defined the meaning of life, but now that De could understand everything, he did not know who he was or why he was alive, why he has been chosen to take that journey. He was taken back to his world, and he found it swarming with a new inhabitant: the Vimillense tribe. They were eating the cacti, and De understood the meaning of his own life and existence, so he stood on one of his friend’s body and grabbed the Vimillense native devouring him. Observers saw this and would later use the icon of him devouring a Vimillense native to remind those of their hero. When I first saw Vatlin, he reminded me much of this old fable and of De.

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  10. #30
    WiiChat Member Tzero-Ra's Avatar
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    Great story, I can't wait for the climax to come.
    Mu&#241;i&#241;a is interesting, and also is Oruba's tale, well done.

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