Admissions Essay.... revise?

[Brawny]

eh, it's late, I can't see straight anymore. I've been staring at letters all day.

Help me with a fresh pair of eyes (although one would still be appreciated.)



Any meaningful help gets rep.

Spoiler Alert!

Diversity
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

“Different in quality or character.” According to Mr. Webster, this is diversity. Throughout my life, this definition has described me in varying ways of well.
One particular instance of realizing my unique self was at a Calvinist Cadet Corps. Camporee. Thousands of churches from all across the world joined in the summer of 1999, my 6th grade year, in Alberta Canada. While overall, this was a time to unite with other Christians and see that there are believers from everywhere, we were also able to divide into small groups, and hold very deep debates. This is where I found my true thoughts. I was able to hone my faith. I found that I didn't always agree with everyone else, sometimes I was thought downright heretical in my interpretations of some things by my peers. After speaking with the Counselors at the camp, I found that being different is Tokay. I really learned a lot that week about myself, and how I live and think, and its relationship to others'.
Fast-forward to a few years later, I got caught the internet fever. I joined many forums, and found that I loved to debate. While being around other Christians and discussing our religion helped me to define my beliefs, being bombarded by non-christians online was refreshing. It caused me to take an even deeper look at myself, and be firmer in my faith.
I think that my academic history shows great equality among the different types of classes. I am just as strong in English and art as science and math. This, combined with my exposure to new and different ideas would make me a unique individual on the campus of the University of Michigan, where I hope to be able to set myself apart even more.

NOte, this is still a first draft, I'm writing all three, then revising them. I'll post them as I finish them though. Thanks in advance.

[Ads]

[ssbb_lover]

Only problem is the grammar. I like the construction and topic. Nice draft. Please, don't give any rep to people...you're asking for a spam thread with beggars.

[Brawny]

See: meaningful help

[Byuakuya]

Only problem is the grammar. I like the construction and topic. Nice draft. Please, don't give any rep to people...you're asking for a spam thread with beggars.

I have to agree with Ty. Apart from the grammar, it looks like a well written piece. I hope to see further revisions. Good job.

[Brawny]

essay numero dos. Btw guys, you're being outdone by WL.

Spoiler Alert!

Adam Peacock
Application Essay Part 2
Experiences and Aspirations
Please describe you interests and aspirations in engineering. What experiences have influenced you?

I suppose my entire life has pointed toward a career related to science in some way, shape, or form. As a kid, I had (or should I say have) all the Lego kits, Mindstorms, K'nex, erector, lincoln logs, and just about every other building toy in existence. In the decade of the 90's everyone had them. But unlike my friends, I did not grow out of them. First, I would try to model things, such as cars, my house, my boat, etc. Following that, I began designing things. I built myself guitar stands, bookshelves, gun targets, you name it. As my family slowly accumulated a larger graveyard of electronics, before donating them to Goodwill, I would take them apart, find out how they worked, then see if I could put everything back, in order.
I could first answer the age-old question every kid hears: "What do you want to be when you grow up", when I was about 12. My family goes camping about 2 months out of the summer every year with some family friends. That year, they had their family reunion at the campgrounds. Two of their extended family members were engineers. One, in aerospace, and another, a Mechanical Engineer for Suzuki. That weekend, I spent more time talking to them than my own family. From what exactly "hemi" means on an engine, to basic fluid and thermo-dynamics. I could not get enough. I finally could put a name to what exactly I wanted to do with my life, Engineer.
What do I want to do with an Engineering Degree from the University of Michigan? I hope to simply continue what I already love to do: design practical solutions that solve the problem in the most efficient way possible.

Note: the first paragraph is the question I have to answer.

[Byuakuya]

That was very interesting to read. The structure of the essay is well placed and it was short, sweet and to the point. I really like the way that you have ended this section with "I hope to simply continue what I already love to do: design practical solutions that solve the problem in the most efficient way possible."
My only problem is the name of the building blocks: shouldn't they all begin with a capital? For example, "Erector" instead of "erector" (yes, I know that I am picky).
Overall, it was a great piece, so good job.

[Brawny]

Ah, thank you pras, although you're holding back. This is my future at stake . Rip it to shreddsssss!

[Byuakuya]

Ah, thank you pras, although you're holding back. This is my future at stake . Rip it to shreddsssss!

Since you are asking for it: it is the worst piece of crap that I have ever laid my eyes on.
Seriously, I meant exactly what I said in my previous post.

[Sillyhat]

Where are you applying to with these essays?

[JAKE196]

take the "t" out of "okay"

i deserve rep for that one