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  1. #1
    WiiChat Member Brawl's Avatar
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    My story I'm writing.

    This is my story I'm writing because I kind want to become and author.

    Ganarg the barbarian.

    Chapter one: A fearsome battle



    I slowly stepped back from the dark beast in front of me, It's teeth as sharp as a razor blade, It's claws as black as ash, It's fur as dark as night, It launched it's self at me with a fearsome slash, I only just dodged it's attack, This creature moves extremely fast, unnatural I leaped at it, trying to get at least a small slice into the beast with my spear, But it was to fast, it dodged my attack and took a swing and my chest, It hit my quest but only to get a small slice, This beast is no an ordinary creature, I went in for an attack when it jumped right at me, We were both in the air coming at each over, I couldn't stop, we were going to collide. We hit and both fell down to the ground I quickly jumped up and ran at it again, It tried to dodge but it was to late I had already speared it through it's chest.

    The beast now lying on the cold ground dead, I needed something to keep me warm, So I got my hunting knife out and Cut off its thick fur to use as a coat. I took the body of the dead beast to a cave and waited till morning to return to my village. I woke up early in the morning to head back to my village when there were 3 men surrounding me, I asked "What do you want"
    They replied "We want you dead.
    I smirked then jumped up with a kick to each side of me smashing two of them in the chest, They smashed there heads on the side of the cave and cracked there skulls. The third man drew his blade and started walking around me, I tried to side kick him but he grabbed my leg and spun me around, I fell to the ground, I thought to myself "This guy is tougher then the other two" He then tried to stab my stomach with a fearsome blow, I rolled out of the way just in time I through my double headed spear at him, He dodged it and it jammed into the side of the cave. The man launched at me when I ducked and kicked him in the stomach, he fell backwards and his head speared through the double headed spear that jammed into the wall.

    That's chapter one, how was it?


  2. #2
    Controversial. DRMARIO's Avatar
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    I didn't read the whole thing - not my sort of interest, really.

    However, you need to get rid of all those commas. I saw them in the first paragraph, and I cringed.

    You also need to rethink the chapter sizes. It's much too small.

    EDIT:

    Just read some more, and you need to sort your tenses. Sometimes it's present tense, sometimes preterite.

    Capitals, also, are being used unnecessarily.

    Speech seems muddled, and should be separated from other text.
    Last edited by DRMARIO; 04-10-2009 at 06:57 AM.

    Enoch was right.


  3. #3
    mnehh CrocoLylee's Avatar
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    It seems to have a pretty solid plot.
    A lot of the imagery in the opening sentence could be improved. Try not to be drawn in by clichés.
    Also, break up your sentences.
    Get rid of the commas. Multiple short sentences can create a tense atmosphere for the reader.

  4. #4
    Controversial. DRMARIO's Avatar
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    I failed to mention, I think you're using similes a tad too much. You don't have to compare *everything* to something else, in order to make a point. Perhaps just expand on details, rather than comparing. Maybe metaphors could be incorporated.

    Enoch was right.


  5. #5
    Bringer of meaty goodness DBloke's Avatar
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    Its good so far.

    But its a kind of story that has been done to death.


    You new? See this!
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    @D_Bloke - My inane prattle


  6. #6
    Proud Protestant navarre's Avatar
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    How funny, I came into this thread under the belief it was created by Brawny, thanks to your names being alike.

    I will duely leave.

    Simon Cowell, what a dick.

  7. #7
    Nintendo Connoisseur anax4aero's Avatar
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    My job actually is editing, and I am a writer myself, so allow me. I may be harsh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brawl View Post
    This is my story I'm writing because I kind want to become and author.

    Ganarg the barbarian.

    Chapter one: A fearsome battle



    I slowly stepped back from the dark beast in front of me, It's teeth as sharp as a razor blade, It's claws as black as ash, It's fur as dark as night, It launched it's self at me with a fearsome slash, I only just dodged it's attack, This creature moves extremely fast, unnatural I leaped at it, trying to get at least a small slice into the beast with my spear, But it was to fast, it dodged my attack and took a swing and my chest, It hit my quest but only to get a small slice, This beast is no an ordinary creature, I went in for an attack when it jumped right at me, We were both in the air coming at each over, I couldn't stop, we were going to collide. We hit and both fell down to the ground I quickly jumped up and ran at it again, It tried to dodge but it was to late I had already speared it through it's chest.

    The beast now lying on the cold ground dead, I needed something to keep me warm, So I got my hunting knife out and Cut off its thick fur to use as a coat. I took the body of the dead beast to a cave and waited till morning to return to my village. I woke up early in the morning to head back to my village when there were 3 men surrounding me, I asked "What do you want"
    They replied "We want you dead.
    I smirked then jumped up with a kick to each side of me smashing two of them in the chest, They smashed there heads on the side of the cave and cracked there skulls. The third man drew his blade and started walking around me, I tried to side kick him but he grabbed my leg and spun me around, I fell to the ground, I thought to myself "This guy is tougher then the other two" He then tried to stab my stomach with a fearsome blow, I rolled out of the way just in time I through my double headed spear at him, He dodged it and it jammed into the side of the cave. The man launched at me when I ducked and kicked him in the stomach, he fell backwards and his head speared through the double headed spear that jammed into the wall.

    That's chapter one, how was it?

    First impression: what is the point of this? chapter one is meant to introduce the theme, to introduce characters, and to keep the reader interested. So far it sounds like constant fight scenes without purpose that belong better in a hollywood movie script, in which case you have the wrong format. (actually, I'm not even sure this would work effectively in a hollywood film, I can't imagine a movie with such a random beginning capturing my attention.)

    More detailed impressions:
    - Did you use speech recognition software? considering certain ridiculous mistakes it seems like you did. eg. "its" not "it's", commas instead of periods, "other" not "over", "their" not "there", etc.
    - Also, you have random capital letters all over, and like other people mentioned, a sea of commas that are completely pointless.
    - Your syntactic skills are also terrible. A lot of sentences are not coherent: "We hit and both fell down to the ground I quickly jumped up and ran at it again."
    Still, I'll be nice and say it's not so bad, because at least I can figure out what is going on.
    - Spell out the 3. Numbers from 1-10 must be spelled out.

    Actually, I'll stop there. What I suggest you do is completely forget everything you know about writing and start over. Because it seems that your idea of writing merely consists of using a thesaurus, several similes, and unnecessary detail. Instead, work first on writing effective, simple sentences. Also, a larger vocabulary wouldn't do harm. Then again...how old are you again? that might explain a lot.
    Besides that, I also wish you decided what exactly it is you want to accomplish by writing this, or anything at all. Considering the nature of this story, for example, you may benefit more from more visual fields (such as comic books) which will allow you to depict action sequences without having to deal with the nuance of presenting them in text. Even then though, you need more purpose and meaning in your story, and no matter what you choose to do you need to improve your english.

    Sorry if I was too mean, but it is part of the profession. I'm generally very nice as long as I'm not asked to critique writing.

    Edit: I'm assuming you're at least older than 13. If you're not, then don't worry too much about it. I'm also assuming you're a fluent english speaker without disabilities.
    Last edited by anax4aero; 04-10-2009 at 02:51 PM.

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