And so it begins. Dirge, thrown into the back of the moving truck to be tossed about with the baggage, arrives in Littleroot Town (Ninty, promotin' child abuse in a children's game is somewhat... uh, wrong, perhaps?). I still remember what to do, so I run off to save Birch after all the junk 'n stuff. Time to get me a Mudkip.
Since this is a Nuzlocke, I'm a tad concerned over not havin' a bad nature. First pull, I got a Timid nature (+Attack -Speed)... yeahnolol. Increase it's worst stat, decrease it's most useful? Not happenin', soft reset. Then I get a Bold nature (+Defense - Attack). .____. They really don't want it to hit hard... Another soft reset, another
Bold. If this took more than a minute every time, I'd be frustrated at this point. Another soft reset, lo and behold: ANOTHER ****ING BOLD! WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! Dx The game is ****in' me over, and I haven't even received my bloody starter yet! This is ridiculous
Finally, I get somethin' not entirely ****in' useless; Naive (+Speed -Special Defense). Almost any nature would be better than a +Speed one, but I've been takin' mental note of the other Mudkips' stats before soft resetting. This one had notably better stats in everythin' but HP. The nature ain't that bad, and the IVs are clearly good, so I'm fine with it. Saved Birch with the well-liked mud puppy, and as a result, Mudkip get!
For the first time ever, I decided I'd nickname my team of six since this is a legit Nuzlocke. I'm quite shit at nicknames, but oh well. I'll always name 'em based on their final form, 'course. For Swampert, I noticed somethin' strange 'bout it's Pokedex entries... Apparently, it can break huge ****in' boulders
with one arms. How the ****
does that work? Liftin' 'em is one thing, but breakin' 'em? I don't give a shit if it learns Rock Smash, that's kinda hard to believe. ... Especially when that scrawny fully-evolved starter of a Kung-Fu Chicken has even higher attack.
But it gets worse. With the worst Speed stat of all the starters, apparently Swampert can dash
through the water at speeds of a jet ski. HUH?!?!? That's a load of ****in' shit! Swampert's dex entries are exaggerated garbage. This thing smashes boulders like the world's greatest karate master, is as fast as a jet ski, and can tug a ****in' cruise ship if it's engines die? Lies and deceit.
Therefore, it's nickname is Balderdash. It's claims of breakin' boulders
are lies. It doesn't dash
at the speed of a jet ski. And it's also a pun on those two traits of it's bein' a bunch of bullshit. GET IT?! HAHAHAHAH... hah... I'm ****in' terrible...
Onwards I go with Balderdash (did it seriously
take me 10 minutes to come up with somethin' that awful... ?), ownin' my rival, gettin' my first Pokeballs from said rival, and headin' off to Petalburg. Miraculously, I avoided all Pokes on my most recent trip through route 101, so I wasn't forced to catch a useless Poochyena, Zigzagoon, or Wurmple. That definitely makes up for my shit luck with Balderdash's natures. The same luck gets me through that single patch of unavoidable grass on 102 without an encounter, lucky me.
Did all the business in Petalburg and left into Petalburg Woods. Here is where I found pleasantly found my Slakoth (obviously), instead of some dumb Wurmple or Shroomish. The name dawned on me so much quicker than Balderdash... A name so perfect, it blew my mind
"Dirge is loafing around!"
!" I thought. "You shall be named after Wiichat's laziest mod!
And so, Dirge caught Dirge. I am the king of slackin' off, after all.
Dirge befittingly (and beneficially) has a Lonely nature (+Attack -Defense) 'n is Male. It might only be lv. 5, but in due time it'l become a Vigoroth soon enough. Put it at the top of the party so Balderdash can help lv. it up.
Arriving in Rustboro City, Balderdash had yet to evolve, so I bought some repels (/M. Bison quote) to go fight the trainers on Route 116 without encountering useless wild Pokes. I'd love to get a Tailow or an Abra from this route honestly, but I really don't want a Poochyena... Nincada would be pretty meh as well. After ownin' all the trainers, Balderdash evolved into a Marshtomp, signalling the time to go destroy the gym with Water Gun spam. And so we did, Dirge levelin' up a good amount in the process.
Roxanne was no problem, obviously. Rock Tomb spam did no more than 5 damage at a time, even from her Nosepass. Water Gun one-shotted both her Geodude, and was a 3HKO on Nosepass. She had to stall with her two potions; what a bitch; but it made no difference. Stone Badge get!
After healin' up, I decided to own May for some extra EXP. I knew; or rather, incorrectly thought; she had a Tailow so I taught Rock Tomb to Marshtomp ASAP. Turns out she still had a Flyin' type in Wingull, but this was still a bad idea in the long run. I have plans to (try and) catch an Aron in Granite Cave... It doesn't learn any
Rock moves without Rock Tomb, so I just wasted the one TM it gets STAB on. Woops. =( Oh well.
Her Wingull was obviously one-shotted by Rock Tomb. Treecko did concern me of course, so I had Dirge use Yawn (a move none have mastered like I have) to give Balderdash some free turns. When I switched Balderdash in, it didn't use Absorb luckily, so I smashed it with Rock Tomb twice. I was concerned over a miss since it was now in the red for KO range, so I switched to Water Gun since any move besides Rock Tomb was not very effective anyways (it's other move was Mud Shot); sadly, I should'a gone for Mud Shot. Water Gun didn't KO by a bloody pixel... Then it hit hard with Absorb, knockin' him down to a third of it's health. Luckily he ate his Oran berry on reaction, givin' me enough HP to take one more Absorb. Fired off Rock Tomb, and luckily it didn't miss, finishin' off my starter's arch nemesis. Pretty close call for an optional battle so early in the game... ;_;
Saved from there since I was gettin' real tired at this point. Continuin' to play would likely lead to dumb mistakes I'd really
regret. One badge, two good party members, and an evolved Poke. Not a bad session at all. Here's the team as is.
Balderdash (Marshtomp), lv. 17
Holding an Oran Berry
Dirge (Slakoth), lv. 11
Holding a Quick Claw
This is gonna be quite enjoyable. Haven't played Emerald in a long time. Also, this'l be the first time I use a Slaking in-game. Once I discovered Slakoth's lackluster typing and ability during my very first playthrough of a third generation game, I immediately deposited it in my box for no more usage. It's a pain to evolve, so I never picked it up even after I learned how beastly Slaking's stats are.