Jokes Thread!! @%$&*#~@

Diomedes · 08-12-2006, 12:26 PM

more

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Diomedes · 08-12-2006, 12:31 PM

this ones tight,

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Diomedes · 08-12-2006, 01:20 PM

more again,
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here

Diomedes · 08-12-2006, 01:48 PM

hmph, my sixth post in a row? oh well i might as well continue posting for the viewers and guests.

this is natures way of telling you its a bad day

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...edes_03/fn.jpg

another one, is the P.M blind ?

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...es_03/fn-1.jpg

this cat is cute

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...des_03/cat.jpg

Diomedes · 08-12-2006, 02:05 PM

here are some toons i found on the net

http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n...sertStreak.jpg
extra attention is best when required
http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n.../housewife.jpg
men are lucky

m7ticalm · 08-12-2006, 05:02 PM

3 people were captured by some baddies, they all were facing a firing squad individualy, when person number 1 went up for the firing squad he yelled "Tsunami" the baddies turned around and person number 1 ran away. When person number 2 went up he yelled "Tornado!" the baddies turned around and once again their captives escaped, when person number 3 went up they yelled "FIRE" so the baddies did wat they were told and "fired" at person number 3.

Yep, i no its lame. But its clean? give me some credit

MetroidZ · 08-12-2006, 05:13 PM

damn, the multiple tripple double, i dunno what its called posts. just EDIT your post.

Darkprinny · 08-12-2006, 05:31 PM

These 2 blokes walk into a pub
wait 3 blokes
no it was 5 or 6
sod it a football team
OK 2 teams
the population of the island of man go into a pub
no it was the whole of London gos into a pub
OK the whole of the UK go into a pub
Europe go into a pub (not the band)
Every bloke in the world go into a pub first bloke says "my round"
I loled

nintendo lover · 08-12-2006, 10:18 PM

there are three persons who found a genies lamp. When they rubbed it a genie comes out and it will make a wish to each one. the first one wishes to have a lot of money and the genie concided his wich. the second one wished that he was even richer and the genie concided his wich. And when the third one said "I wish" and at that moment he fell and said shit and he was turned into shit.

I know its bad

Sameiru · 08-13-2006, 01:06 AM

ok ive got a good one here so here it goes

A redhead, a brunet and a dumb blonde walk into a gypsies caravan and they see a mirror

it says up the top "SAY A STATEMENT INTO THE MIRROR FOR GREAT FORTUNE"

they couldn't resist fortune so they each said something

the redhead goes first and says "I think i have the reddest hair in the world" *SLURP* it sucks her up but brunet thought that it would suck her up if she told a lie so she went up and said "I think i am the most beautiful girl in the whole world" *SLURP!* it sucks her up but the dumb blonde doesn'tnotice so she goes up and says

"I think-" *SLURP!* it sucks her up

LMFAO!!

Diomedes · 08-13-2006, 01:17 AM

thats mean, anyway i got some more. I dont bother editing, too hard.
Blondie joke
a blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

deity_link · 08-13-2006, 02:08 AM

There was this slide that as you went down it you said something and you would land in a pile of what ever it is you said so anyhoo this blonde, brunet and red head all lined up to go on the slide

The brunet said 'MONEEEYY!!' as it slid down and she landed in a pile of money

The red head said 'GOOLLDD!!!' as it slid down and she landed in a pile of gold

The Blonde begins to slide down and said 'WWWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!'...

crazymonkey360 · 08-13-2006, 04:03 AM

I apologize in advance to anyone offended in this joke

there are 2 guys having lunch and it's the week before valentines day and the first guy says: hey, what are ya gettin your wife for valentines day? and the second guy says: chocaltes and a vibrator. the first guy asks: why the vibrator? and the second guy says: if she doesn't like the chocaltes she can F#*K herself.

RPGMasterTurk91 · 09-20-2006, 04:04 AM

whoever is gonna view the thread at least leave a comment on what u think about the jokes...rate them or somethingu know

RPGMasterTurk91 · 09-20-2006, 04:11 AM

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

RPGMasterTurk91 · 09-20-2006, 04:16 AM

this IS NOT actually attacking "stupid blondes" and making fun of them, its just a joke

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

BlightedArt · 09-20-2006, 04:17 AM

----Warning, offensive and disturbing jokes inbound... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!----

An elephant walks into a bar. And upon enterring the bar the pianist begins a new song. It's a very slow, almost depressing song about a lost love. The pianist plays the sorroful melody, gliding up and down the keys on the piano, while tunefully-wailing the sad story of how he and his love could never be. The elephant walks a few feet into the bar, then bursts into tears at the song. The pianist also begins to weep during playing, and eventually finishes the song.

"Did you relate to the song my friend?" Asked the pianist, whiping a tear from his eye.

"No..." cried the elephant, and pointed at the piano. "I recognise the ivory."

-

In the same bar, an Irish man known as Stuart walks into the bar. He's relatively short, but bulky in stature, you wouldn't want to mess with him.

"Can I have three pints m'boy!" He chuckles cheerfully to the bartender.
"But ofcourse sir! But... may I ask why you want THREE?"
"Ah yes! Well see, I'm one of triplets, and my other brothers live in America and Australia. And on this day of the year, it is our birthdays, and we made a pack to go to the local waterhole on our birthday and drink a pint to ourselves and to our two brothers health!"

"Oh I must say," replied the bartender, "that's a very thoughtful act. Very thoughtful!" And with that, the bartender poured three pints for Stuart, who drank them all down, and recieved a happy birthday song from the pianist (the elephant tried to sing too but burst out into tears when the pianist began to play). A whole year later, Stuart once again arrives into the bar, and is greeted with a warm "Happy Birthday!" from his friends there.

"Three pints is it, Stuart?" Enquires the bartender with a grin.
"Aye! Three pints!" Chuckles Stuart. And the same night as of a year before takes place. Again with the elephant tears.

Then another year passes, and Stuart doesn't fail to attend the bar for his traditional ritual. "Ah!! Stuart! Happy Birthday m'boy! Three pints I gather?"

"No..." replies Stuart, "I'll... only be having two pints tonight..."

The whole bar falls deathly silent, then the utter of "Oh my..." and "Oh that's terrible..." begins to float around the room.

"Oh... Oh Stuart I'm so, SO sorry..." says the bartender, "I... I'll go get your two pints." And so proceeds in getting two pints, almost sheading tears of guilt for what he just said.

Stuart mournfully drinks the two beers in silence, and everyone else falls silent aswell.

"So..." the bartender picks up his courage, "So... What happenned? I must ask..."

"It's alright... I..." weeps Stuart... "... I'm on anti-biotics."

-

And then... In the SAME bar about another year later, another newcommer attends. Stuart is back on his regular three pints, and the elephant is crying to the songs lulling the bar. This new fellow walks up to the bar and says "Hey man, can I have a pint for me and a pint for my buddy?"

"Absolutely, do you want me to wait for your buddy to get here first?"
"Oh, no no, he's right here, in my pocket." And with that, the man reaches into his pocket and reveals a little man that is no larger than his thumb.

In sheer awe the bartender looks at the little man and says "Amazing!! Is it a model? Does it walk?"

"Oh, tis no model!" He says, "He's my best friend, and yes he can walk, show him Tim!"

And with that, the little man Tim walks along the table, with the bartender in disbelief.

"That's incredible!!! Does he talk?"

"Ahaha! Talk?! Ofcourse, hey Tim... Tell him about the time we were in africa and you called that witch doctor a tw@t!"

Sovieto · 09-20-2006, 04:18 AM

My joke? Jew.