Jokes Thread!! @%$&*#~@

[MetroidZ]

Okay, I thought i'll start a thread where all you do is post jokes make 'em good ones

I'll start:

A man walks into the doctors....

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign
of stress; do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the
salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "I Eat cheesy puffs and watch p o r n"

[MetroidZ]

c'mon pple, dont hold back

[in touch with the wii]

micheal jackson, george bush, tony blair and four children go on a plane. as their flight goes on, the plane starts to break down, there is only three parachutes so tony micheal and geogre take them
tb: what about the children
gb:screw the children
mj:do we have enough time?

[MetroidZ]

lmao, thats just sick

[in touch with the wii]

i know that why its funny

[Arcadium]

... my sense of humor has gone or what?

[MetroidZ]

I'll try to help you

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "**** me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

(yeh, i kno it sucks)

[DragonM3D]

There was a girl called mary who went to sunday skool. One sunday she fell asleep and her teacher asked her, 'who is the creator of the great earth?'

The boi sitting behind her poked a pin into her and she cried, 'o god!'
den d teacher sed, 'very good mary, dats d correct answa!'

the teacha asked her another question, 'who sacrificed their life to save the sinners of this earth?'

The boy poked the pin in mary again and mary sed 'jesus christ!'
then the teacher goes, 'that is very right!''

The teacher then asked, 'what did eve say to adam after they had their 37th baby?'

then the boy poked the pin into mary again, and mary screams, 'if you poke that thing into me one more time, i'll snap it in half!'

[DragonM3D]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why of course,' comes the reply.


The first man then asks: 'Where are you from?'


'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.


The first man responds: 'You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.'


'Of course,' replies the second man.


I'm curious, the first man then asks: 'Where in Ireland are you from?'


'Dublin,' comes the reply.


'I can't believe it,' says the first man. 'I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.'


'Of course,' replies the second man.


Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: 'What school did you go to?'


'Saint Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in '62.'


'This is unbelievable!', the first man says. 'I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!'


About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 'What's been going on?' he asks the bartender.


'Nothing much,' replies the bartender. 'The O'Kinly twins are drunk again.'

[DragonM3D]

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him 'every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?' The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.'

[MetroidZ]

lmao. liked the second one.

[DragonM3D]

yeah, LMAO.ws has a lot of very funny ones

[smokeydabear]

there are 3 people a doctor,rockstar,and a lawer.the rockstar goes to a hotel and says to the person at the desk "i need a room" and the other person says the only room we have left is haunted.i dont believe in that stuff says the rockstar.then he goes to the room and the ghost comes out saying bloody fiingers bloody finger and the dude jumps out the window and dies.then the lawer comes and the same thing happens to him then the doctor comes and when he goes to the room the ghost comes out saying bloody fingers bloody finges then the doctor does somthing then the ghost says bandade fingers bandade fingers

[Supermariomp3]

that was kinda funny, maybe like a millisecond chuckle

[smokeydabear]

no offense to blonds out there!!!!!!

theres a man outside on his front porch and his blonde neighbor walks out and checks her mail then slams it and goes back inside.later she does the same thing.later she comes out again and slams the mailbox even harder and the guy asks if anythin is wrong and she says my stupid computer keeps on saying youve got mail

[Arcadium]

there was a little chicken,
he puted one of his legs up
then he putted the other
and he falled down

(love bad jokes)

[MetroidZ]

Originally Posted by smokeydabear

no offense to blonds out there!!!!!!

theres a man outside on his front porch and his blonde neighbor walks out and checks her mail then slams it and goes back inside.later she does the same thing.later she comes out again and slams the mailbox even harder and the guy asks if anythin is wrong and she says my stupid computer keeps on saying youve got mail

lmao

[Diomedes]

ive got some insults that you could say in a conversation about someone you really hate.
(this substitute name for these insults will be Milo, no offense to anyone who has that name)

Ive highlighted and spaced them so they are easier to read
here we go,

Milo's so ugly, that when he smiled at the police he got arrested for indecent exposure

I've seen people like Milo before, but I had to pay admission"

Milo's so slow that he'd have to speed up to stop

Milo's teeth are so yellow that when he closes his mouth his eyes light up

Milo's so dumb, he threw a rock at the ground, and missed

Milo's so hairy bigfoot takes pictures of him.

Milo couldn't find water if he was washing his hands, fell out of a boat, or taking a bath

Milo's a miracle of nature; he has an IQ of 2 and he's still able to speak

Milo is so ugly he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning

Milo is so stupid he got hit by a parked car

Milo is so skinny, he could hang glide on a Doritos

Milo's so stupid, he'd trip over a cordless phone

Milo's so old, he'd fart dust.

Milo's so stupid he couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions
were written on the bottom of the heel

Milo doesn't need to use an insult, he just uses his breath

Milo's incompetence is an inspiration to morons everywhere.

I hope Milo's face ends up on a milk carton.

If I had a brother like Milo, I'd put myself up for adoption

I guess Milo proves that even god makes mistakes sometimes

If my dog had a face like Milo I'd shave his butt and walk him backwards.

When Milo was born the doctor slapped his mother

Milo's so ugly that when he was born the doctor turned him over and said
look twins

I'd smack the crap out of Milo if I didn't think it would fill up the room

Milo's house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, & a cockroach stole my wallet

Milo's face is so ugly it would make a train take a dirt road

Milo couldn't find his BUTT if both his hands were tied behind his back

Milo's so fat, on a daily basis he get 3 heart attacks

That isn't your forehead, it's your hair trying to run away from your face !!

Milo is so short and hairy, when he walks around the house his mother
screams, MOUSE!

Milo's breath is so stinky that people look forward to his farts

Milo's so dumb he thinks Martial Arts are paintings by the sheriff.

Milo fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

Learn from Milo's parents mistake, use birth control

When Milo was born, his mother was charged for littering

Milo's so dumb he thinks "getting lucky" is finding a penny on the ground.

Milo proves that man can live without brains.

Milo's so dense that light bends around him.

If I killed all the people that hated you it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide

Go stand in the corner, practice falling over and I'll be there in a second

there good jokes arent they?

[Diomedes]

keep up the jokes, i need some humour in my life

[Diomedes]

ive gotten some more jokes: (warning sincere launguage)

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f*n’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*n’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*n’ French toast."