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Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private con cert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York."
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Rest In Peace, Michael Crichton. You will be missed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Axl Rose
I guess I'm just homophobic, y'know, that's my problem.
Ok so there a Mexican, an American, and an Asian on a plain.
The plane is going to crash so they need to lose some weight.
The Asian throws out a bunch of video games "We have enough of these in my country."
the Mexican throws out a bunch of burritos and tacos."We have enough of these in my country."
The American then throws out the Mexican."We have enough of these in my country."
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Need a new sig, any helpers?
"You spoony bard!"
Wrong Kind of Date
Four year old Ethan was watching his Grandma make a Date Cake when Grandma asked him if he would like a date. He replied, "No thanks, Grandma, my brother says they cost you money & then you gotta kiss them!"
Names
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
lawyers
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...
"Out of what?"
mother-in-laws
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
A redneck named clyde
A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him."
So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two @rseholes."
"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO @rseholes?"
"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two @rseholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say...'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two @rseholes!'
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あずさ やまもと & のりこ かわいい＾－＾ ＾＿＾
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liger_zero
why oh why would we take a APC towards the enemy's aircraft carrier ?? its because deanis is driving, he is a nutter!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deanis
I blame you for shooting the ****ing chopper!!! it didnt see us, then pew pew pew...BANG!!
Location: European Union, Group of 8, NATO, Commonwealth- you work it out
Posts: 559
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken.
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Quote:
A page of history is worth a book of mathematics.
Quote:
Historians are dangerous people
Britain and America- the two greatest nations in the world. Anyone who disagrees with me is a dirty foreigner. We share so many things- the language, the moral highground, the love of war. But what about the people, the ordinary folk who make these nations so great? How do they? How do they do?
Theres this guy who lives on the top of a 30 story hotel. Every morning he wakes up, gets ready for work, takes the elevator to the lobby and leaves the hotel. Every night he comes back to the hotel, exausted, takes the elevator from the lobby...to the 20th floor, and the other 10 floors he takes the stairs. Why doesnt he just hit the 30th floor button where he lives?( the buttons are lined up in one line: with 1 at the bottom and 30 at the top)
ANSWER: He's a miget, he can't reach the 30th floor button. He has to jump just to reach the 20th button.
Btw, if anyone likes Yo Mamma Jokes, check out my thread: "The Yo Mamma Jokes Tournament"
First-year students at medical school were receiving their first
anatomy class with the body of a deceased man. They all gathered
around the surgery table where lay the cadaver, covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human
body." To prove his point, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck
it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, and after a few minutes of hesitation,
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished gagging and coughing, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
ok here's one to make up for the fail, hope its not posted <.<
