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Critique my poem?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by StevenNevets, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. StevenNevets

    StevenNevets WiiChat Member

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    This is the first poem I've written in my life. The meaning and words are mine but a friend of mine tweaked it a little. It was sounding more like freestyle rap then a poem.:sick:

    (Yes it's for my girl)




    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are my treasure.
    Every time I talk to you
    I feel unforgettable pleasure.

    2.
    You offered to show me things that I couldn’t see,
    Our love boiling to the last degree.
    You're my world I want you to know
    Our love is big and it will always grow.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much in store.
    Let me spend it with you
    It will become so much more.
    I’ll be there for you,
    And you will be there for me.
    For once in our lives there will be a we.

    4.
    I want to be with you forever.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you dear,
    I'm just glad you're mine…
    You're here.
     
  2. Kiwi

    Kiwi Drug Addicts Unite

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    It's pretty good. I actually read through the whole thing this time without loosing interest.
     
  3. blueclouds5

    blueclouds5 WiiChat Member

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    Good PoEm!!
     
  4. CantGetAWii

    CantGetAWii WiiChat Member

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    Good poem.
    Could even become a song, maybe let my band have the rights to it :lol:

    But really good poem man.
     
  5. Skorp

    Skorp WiiChat Member

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    Its a good start, definitely needs some work. Here's some tweaking.

    1.
    Not long after meeting you
    I realized you are a treasure.
    Talking to you brings me
    Pleasure I cannot measure.

    2.
    You showed me things I could never see.
    Our love boiled to the highest degree.

    3.
    We are still young,
    Life has much to share.
    Let me spend it with you
    We make a perfect pair.

    4.
    If you will be my key
    I will be your door
    And open for us to see
    What life has in store.

    5.
    I love to be with you.
    I don't want to be forever cold.
    I think of what the future holds,
    Marriage, children, us growing old.
    And as I lay, with you my dear,
    I'm just glad you're mine…
    Glad that you're here.

    I think you should just scratch the last part (5). I don't know how old you are but girls these days don't like too much commitment at an early age. The last bit sounds a little needy too. It'd be better if you left out the last part and just expressed it to her verbally. It sounds better if you end after 4 anyway.

    Best of luck, and remember, the only sure thing is abstinence, but if you must, use a condom ;)
     
    #5 Skorp, Aug 10, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2007
  6. StevenNevets

    StevenNevets WiiChat Member

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    Thanks everyone else for the good comments but I know it's not that good.

    ^Skorp^ thank you for the fixes.
    I'm telling you now she isn't that typical girlfriend though.

    And yes use condoms haha:cool:
     
  7. King Wiired

    King Wiired HITLER ME JEZ

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    What he said. Whenever I read poetry I sort of 'rap' it, to make sense of the rhythm, and you succeeded in providing rhythm. Keep writing bud.
     
  8. +Maniacal=Maniac+

    +Maniacal=Maniac+ Am I Losing Friends?

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    Great Job!!! That Is A Great Poem You Got There.

    Keep Up The Good Work!
     
  9. StevenNevets

    StevenNevets WiiChat Member

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    Commitment, is it real?
    Maybe it’s something that only one will feel.
    Perfect matches, are there none?
    For I’m in love with just that one.
    Is she coming or just a fake?
    Until she comes my heart will ache.




    ^BAH
     
    #9 StevenNevets, Aug 14, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2007
  10. King Wiired

    King Wiired HITLER ME JEZ

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    Quality line, though I feel the second line of that stanza's too long.. try shortening it?
     
  11. Suner52

    Suner52 Falopian Tube

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    Good poem :O
     
  12. Shadowking

    Shadowking Super Geek

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    I agree with Wiired...that second line's just a bit long...

    i.e. Or is it something one won't feel?

    iono...you're ten times better than me so maybe you'll have more success tweaking it =P
     
  13. tijuana1

    tijuana1 Make Love Not War

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    That was beautiful man (wipes tear off of eye)
    Definetly worth a little somethin' somethin' :ihih:
     
  14. TacosTacos

    TacosTacos WiiChat.com>Match.com

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    Your poem works. I just printed it out and gave it to my girlfriend. She cried, then french kissed me. It was amazing.
     
  15. Frogger

    Frogger God Complex

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    Hm, well, I get to give you the female point of view, I guess, you should get WWL2P though, she's actually nice.

    So, anyway, I think that your poem needs more imagination in it, for example, you are just telling her about your future hopes, when actually, you should be telling her why you want to grow old together and why you chose her over everyone else in the world. Emphasise she's the only one.

    I did poetry in english, and I'm not a big fan of it myself, but most poems written by the male side of view had a lot of talk dedicated to the girlfriend rather than themself, as they thought she deserves more of a mention.

    I'm not going to try and fix it, anyone else fixing it wouldn't make it your poem, and I'm really bad at writing poetry...
     

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