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That Canucks Fan
Dec 27, 2006
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Guess I'll start..

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and royal person at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.


DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?



MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.


MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er . . . three?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)
Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?


THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?


DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton


DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.



BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Click to expand...

I'll post some funny video clips later..
 
Kirby- Drop It Like It's Hot..........kinda funny. jus thought id share... :)

[MEDIA]http://youtube.com/watch?v=EeIzqXIjhAg[/MEDIA]
 
man...sometimes it almost makes me mad how stupid ppl are....

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
Click to expand...

but it's even worse when it's a stupid question.
 
There are some really funny ones up there, but my favourite has to be this one:

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

I am still laughing. :lol:
 
Ive got a joke

A man who cant speak properly goes to bunnings to buy a bucket, so he asks a bunnings helper, could i please have a ****et, you mean a bucket says that bunnings helper, yes thats what i said a ****et.

So next the man who cant speak properly goes to the bakery, he asks the bakery helper, could i please have a bum, you mean a bun says the bakery helper, yes thats what i said a bum says the man.

Finally the man who cant speak properly goes to a pet shop, could i please have a cock and spank it? he asks, you mean a cockaspanel says the pet shop helper, yes thats what i said a cock an spank it.

So the man goes outside the petshop and on his way home. But them his dogs breaks of its leash and starts running away! The man who cant speak properly quickly asks a police man, could you hold my bum and ****et while i catch my cock and spank it!


LOOOOOLLLL

May be spelling mistakes.
 
so four men were golfing; one was in the bathroom, and the other three were on the green.
The men were bragging to each other the achievements of their sons.
The first man says "My son started out as a carpenter. He worked his way up, and started one of the biggest home building companies in the United States.
And as a gift, he gave one of his good friends a brand new house as a gift."
the second man, not to be outdone, said "Well my son started out as an auto mechanic, and he now runs one of the biggest car companies in the world. and he gave one of HIS good friends 2 brand new cars as a gift."
and the third man said "Well my son worked in the stock market, and worked to the point where he was able to give one of HIS good friends a huuge stock portfolio."
then, the fourth man comes back, wondering what's going on. the men say, "we're bragging about our sons achievments. what about your son?"

the fourth man says "Well, i'm not to proud of my son. he's a hairdresser, and he's a homosexual. but he must be good at what he does, because his boyfriends have given him a brand new house, 2 new cars, and a huge stock portfolio."
 
Ok, I got a pretty funny joke.

One day, two business men were driving down a highway at about 10:00pm and all of a sudden their car broke down. They started walking and after about 30 minutes they came across a farm. They walked up to the farmers house and knocked on the door. The farmer answered the door and the two young men explained to him that their car broke down and they needed a place to stay for the night. The farmer replied "Ok you guys can stay for the night as long as you don't touch my daughter." The two young men looked at each other and said "Ok". They went up into their room and at around 2:00am they both woke up and went to the farmers' daughters room and the three of them 'Did it'. The next morning the farmers' daughter told her dad what an amazing time she had with the two young men. The farmer said "WWWHHHAAATTT!!!!" He called the two young men down and got his shotgun. When the two young me got down, the farmer said "I heard what you two did with my daughter last night. Now, I want you two to go out in my field and pick as many as your favorite fruit as you can." So the two young men went out in the fields and started picking their favorite fruits. One of them got a bucket full of grapes. When he got back in the farmer said "Now, I want you to shove every single one of those graped up your ass, and if you make one sound I'm gonna shoot you. So, 3 hours later he was on the last grape. As soon as he was about to put it in, his friend walked in and he dropped the grape and fell on the floor laughing. The farmer shot him. When he got to Heavens Gate, God was there and he said "Why did you start laughing?! You had one grape left!" And the young man replied "I couldn't help it! My friend walked in with a arm load of watermelons!!!"

I love that joke:thumbsup:
 
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