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The Jokes Dump! Share Your Favourate Jokes Here!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Singhson, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. Singhson

    Singhson ****** by Syntax

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    Here's one of my favorites!

    There was this old man in the pub, he was sooo drunk, its absurd, he was crazy drunk. Anyway he decided to get up, when he did he fell flat on his face!
    So he thought, "Oh, maybe i just need some fresh air"!
    So he goes outside, stands up again, and fall face first into a ditch of mud, so he says's, "forget his, I'm gonna crawl it home"!
    The next morning his wife opens the door, to find her husband outside on the door step. She said, "you've been drinking again haven't you"?
    He said "yeah, how did you know"?
    She said "because you left you wheelchair at the pub again"!
     
  2. Wii_Smurf

    Wii_Smurf No.1 Smurf

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    Thats good

    Heres one. It's quite dirty so I'll Spoiler it

    A group of lads are in a bar drinking when a man comes up to them and says
    "I ****ed your mum last night" to one of the lads. The lads ignore him and carry on drinking. Later on in the night the man walks over to them again and says to the same lad
    "Im going to **** your mum tonight aswell"
    The lads once again ignore him and carry on. Even later on the man comes to them for the third time but the lad interupts him and says
    "C'mon dad this is getting silly, you're drunk!"
     
  3. Singhson

    Singhson ****** by Syntax

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    very good, very good will smurf!

    try this one.

    There's a blond, Russian and an American sitting together on a table.
    The Russian said, we were the first in space!
    The American said, so what, we were the first on the moon!
    The blond said, so what! We're gonna be the first on the sun!
    The American and Russian looked at each other and nodded in disagreement,
    "You'll burn up you idiot", said the Russian.
    The blond said, we're not stupid you know! We're gonna go at night!

    hey, hey, what you think? :)
     
  4. Wii_Smurf

    Wii_Smurf No.1 Smurf

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    Is good
    But abit of Irony on your 'Dumb Blonde joke'
    You spelt Blonde wrong.
     
  5. Singhson

    Singhson ****** by Syntax

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    yeah, it's the damn American dictionary, i just clicked it cus it was underlined.
     
  6. wii_girliefairie

    wii_girliefairie WiiChat Pwner ^^

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    ok........heres two.

    a rabbit walks into a bar, he says, "got any grapes?" bartender says "no" so the rabbit goes the second day. "got any grapes?" bartender says,"no! we dont have any grapes! if you ask if we have grapes ONE MORE TIME i will nail your feet to the floor!" rabbit comes the third day. "got any nails?" bartender says, "no...why would i have nails?" rabbit says,"got any grapes?!?!?!" :)

    and the second one.
    wii_smurf walks into a bar...






    He says ouch. XD
     
  7. konomaroh

    konomaroh I'm a gun

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    Q: How do you know if a blond has been in your fridge?

    A: Your cucumber has lipstick on it
     
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  8. trisyyy

    trisyyy Banned

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    lmao :lol:


    ok ok, heres one,

    there are these three guys on a plane, and they each have to drop one thing, theres an alcaholic, a priest, and an army guy. The alcaholic throws a beer bottle, the priest throws a bible, and the army guy throws a grenade. now the alcaholic is walking down the street and sees a kid crying, and the alcaholic says "why are you crying" and the kid says "my dad got hit with a beer bottle". now the next day the preist is walking down the street and sees another kid crying, so the preist says "why are you crying" and the kid says "my dad got hit with a bible". Now the next day the army guy is walking down the street and sees a kid laughing, so he goes up to the kid and says "why are you laughing" and the kid says "my dad farted and blew the house up"! when the kid didn't know that the grendade hit the house at the same time his dad farted! :lol:


    we should rate eachothers jokes from now on, ok?

    kono, u get a 9/10, made me laugh
     
  9. TJgamer

    TJgamer Umm I feel awkward D:

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    I'll give a 8/10 that one never gets old.
    Two blondes are talking , then one asks the other which is closer, the moon or florida?
    The other blonde says "hello, can you see florida from here?"
     
  10. trisyyy

    trisyyy Banned

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    lol, i have blonde har, but i love blonde jokes, 9/10



    there are three aliens, the first one can only say yep, yep, yep, the second one can only say forks and knives, forks and knives, and the third one can only say goody goody gumdrops! ok so a police man walks up to them and says "did you kill this woman" and the first alien says "yep, yep, yep!" and he says "what'd you kil her with"? and the second alien says "forks and knives, forks and knives"! and he says "your going to jail"! and the third alien says "goody goody gumdrops"! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. arogeek

    arogeek Got Wii???

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    i got one........

    A buisness woman and a southern belle are on a plane. The southern belle asks "so, where yall' from?" There is a long silence..........then the buisness woman replies " Where I'm from, people don't end there sentences in prepositions" Anther long silence.....................................The southern belle then replies "so, where yall' from, B***H"
     
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  12. TJgamer

    TJgamer Umm I feel awkward D:

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    Thats a new one to me 9/10
    Like blonde jokes? Heres another:
    Theres a pyramid with 100 steps, every 5 steps someone comes out and tells you a joke.
    If you laugh, you lose, if you make it to the top you get one wish.
    So a brunette tries and she laughs at the 20th step.
    A red head goes and she laughs at the 40th step.
    A blonde tries and passes the first 95 steps without even giving an inch.
    Just before the last guy was going to say his joke she bursts out laughing. He asks"Why are you laughing? I didn't say my joke."
    She replies"i just got the first joke."
     
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  13. Dinner

    Dinner Reading Rainbow

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    Stolen from Ebaumsworld XD

    Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

    Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

    “I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

    “That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

    “I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

    The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

    “One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

    “Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
     
  14. Wii_Smurf

    Wii_Smurf No.1 Smurf

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    Thats alright I suppose

    7/10

    I got one

    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

    The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

    They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

    They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

    There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
     
  15. Wamoo

    Wamoo Hardcore SEGA Gamer

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    Lol ↑ 9/10

    Whats long,green, and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger.
     
    #15 Wamoo, Dec 21, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2007
  16. Dinner

    Dinner Reading Rainbow

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    Haha 8/10
     
  17. Syntax

    Syntax That Canucks Fan

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    BIG QUIZ (LBC)
    Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and royal person at court.
    Contestant: Lepers.

    QUIZMANIA (ITV)
    Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
    Contestant: Doctor.
    Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
    Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.


    DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
    Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
    Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
    Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
    Contestant: Cartons?


    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
    Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
    Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
    Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
    Contestant: Leicester.


    BBC NORFOLK
    Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
    Contestant: Arm.
    White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
    Contestant: Strong.
    White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
    Contestant: Louis.
    White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
    Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


    LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
    Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
    Contestant: France.
    Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
    Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
    Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
    Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
    Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
    Contestant: Paris.


    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
    Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
    Contestant: Homosexuals.

    Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


    THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
    Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

    Contestant: The Conservative Party.


    BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
    DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
    Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


    THE WEAKEST LINK
    Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
    Contestant: Jool carriageway?


    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
    Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
    Contestant: Goosey, goosey?


    GWR FM (Bristol)
    Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
    Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


    RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
    Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
    Caller: Mohicans.


    QUIZMANIA
    Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
    Contestant: Grandfather.
    Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
    Contestant: Panda.


    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
    Phil: What's 11 squared?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
    Contestant: Is it five?


    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
    A: Forrest Gump.


    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Leslie: He makes bread .. .
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
    Contestant: Kipling Street?



    MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
    Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
    Contestant: Erm .. .
    Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
    Contestant: 1965?


    SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
    Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
    Contestant: Six.
    Tufnell: Higher!
    Contestant: Five.


    RICHARD AND JUDY
    Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
    A: Err . . .
    Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
    A: Err . . .
    Q: It begins with a 'C'.
    A: No idea.


    MAGIC FM
    Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
    Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.


    FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
    Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
    Team: Chedpit.


    LINCS FM PHONE-IN
    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
    Contestant: Barcelona.
    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


    RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
    Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
    Contestant: 23.


    NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
    Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
    Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


    THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
    Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
    Contestant: Ghana.
    Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
    Contestant: New Zealand.


    NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
    Question: What is the world's largest continent?
    Contestant: The Pacific


    ROCK FM (PRESTON)
    Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
    Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



    THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
    Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
    Contestant: Magna Carta.


    JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
    O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
    Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er . . . three?


    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
    Contestant: Jelly.


    RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
    Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
    Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


    BLIND DATE (ITV)
    Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
    Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


    STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
    Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?


    CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
    Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
    Caller: Japan.
    Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
    Caller: Er . . . Mexico?


    THE VAULT
    Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
    Contestant: Kentish Town?


    DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
    Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
    Contestant: Enid Blyton


    DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
    DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
    Contestant: Wales.


    PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
    Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
    Contestant: Basketball.


    NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
    Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
    Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


    DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
    Contestant: Holland?
    Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
    Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
    Contestant: No.


    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
    Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
    Contestant: Er . . .
    Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
    Contestant: Blimey?
    Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
    Contestant: (Silence)
    Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
    Contestant: Walked?


    NATIONAL LOTTERY
    Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
    Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

    THE VAULT
    Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
    Contestant: Nostalgic.


    LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
    Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
    Contestant: Jewish.
    Presenter: That's close enough.



    BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
    Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
    Contestant: Ummm .. .
    Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
    Contestant: Shark.


    STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
    Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
    Contestant: Jesus.
     
  18. Singhson

    Singhson ****** by Syntax

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    wow bravo syntax, bravo that must have talk about a half hour surely, unless you had it saved on your desktop.

    I got another one, hope you like it:

    A Japanese who was visiting India took a taxi to go to the airport.
    During the journey, a Honda overtook them, and the Japanese yelled in
    excitement,and told the taxi- driver, "Honda! Made in Japan!Very fast!
    "Subsequently, a Toyota and Mitsubishi overtook them, and each time
    the Japanese yelled at the Indian taxi-driver: "Very fast! Made in
    Japan!"
    Finally they reached the airport, and the fare came to Rs. 800.
    The Japanese exclaimed: "What? So expensive?" The taxi-driver yelled
    back:
    "Meter, Made in India! Very fast! "



    Merry Christmas!
     
  19. Lionman363

    Lionman363 A merry Xmas I wish you.

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    A woman pregnant with twins was involved in a crash,she survived but was in a coma for 3 years.
    She woke up finally,she asked the doctor 'where are my babies?are they ok?'
    'Yes m'am,theyre fine,wedelivered them while you were in a coma,we gave them to your brother'
    She replied in shock,'Oh no!He is an idiot!How could you?Who knows what he might have done with them!'

    The doctor paused for a minute and asked,'Would you like me to tell you the names your brother gave them?'
    '....Oh go ahead then!'
    The doctor said,'He calledyour daughter Denise.'
    'Oh thats nice!And my son?'

    The doctor paused again....
    'He named your son Denephew!':crazy: :mad5: :ciappa: :sick: :yikes: :shocked:
     
  20. DBloke

    DBloke The last original
    Staff Member Moderator

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    The four stages of life -

    One you belive in Santa claws

    Two you do not belive in Santa claws

    Three you become Santa claws

    Four you look like Santa claws
     

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