1 Feb, 2008
Censors exist to protect vulnerable youngling minds. They are upstanding guardians fighting valiantly to keep unsavoury adult gametertainment away from innocent little Johnny and Jane Couch Potato. And, generally, they do sterling work. Virtual re-enactments of murder, foul-language, filthy dirty sex and other such heinous stains on humanity's under-gusset are correctly branded as suitable only for a mature audience. An audience that is righteous and incorruptible.
But sometimes we think the censors get it wrong. Sometimes pure evil slips through the net like a putrid malevolent fish, duping the certificators with well-disguised wickedness before swimming away with an E for everyone rating clutched under its dirty little fin. But don't be fooled. These games aren't E for everyone, they're E for evil. And we've sniffed out these evil fish in sheep's clothing.
In our exclusive nonvestigative report, we expose the games parading as puritan software that could pollute the impressionable minds of the young forever. As you read this unapologetically sensationalist article, ask yourself this question: If the court order was lifted and you were allowed to have children in your care, would you want them playing games like these...?
We're constantly bombarded by an inescapable barrage of advertising. It's like living in the Blitz, but without the rubble and ill-equipped men in tin hats. The pervasive sensory bombs of ad-Nazis explode all around us. Buy this! BOOM! Own more! BANG! Suck these! BLAMMO! It's corporate warfare and we're caught in the crossfire. Nobody is safe. And the battlefield just keeps getting bigger.
Of course, no one is more susceptible to brand molestation than children, so E-rated advergames are worse than evil. They're the stinking dog **** that evil steps in. If the censors kept games like Burger King's Big Bumpin' and M&M's Kart Racing out of the stupid hands of children today, maybe it would stop some easily-influenced idiots dieing of over-fatness tomorrow.
If you want to learn more about the secret evilness of advertising, we urge every sentient being to watch this. Wake up and smell the Nescafe (it's coffee at it's best) before it's too late.
Reinforcing gender stereotypes
Girls like sparkly stuff. Boys like internal combustion engines. That's the way it's always been and always will be. Right? Well, yes, it will be unless censors grow a pair of proper man-sized bollocks and stop acting like a bunch of women when it comes to rating evil games that influence children into following a preordained, socially-accepted gender path.
Take Smart Boy's Gameroom (aka I Did It Mum! (Boy)) and Smart Girl's Playhouse (aka I Did It Mum! (Girl)) on DS, for example. The following oppressive extractment of conventional gender stereotyping is taken directly from the I Did It Mum! press release:
"There are two versions of the game - one for boys and one for girls. The two versions have a different selection of mini-games designed to appeal to sons and daughters alike, with the boy version featuring games like 'toy train' or 'drive the car,' and the girl version offering games like 'colour the animals' or 'little kitchen'."
Little bloody kitchen!? If we were women we'd be PMT furious. It's institutionalised sexism. But, according to the censors, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. If we weren't incredibly busy looking at tits and sport and cars on the internet all day, we'd probably start a petition rallying against this subversive proliferation of sex-based pigeonholing. Maybe some women might fight the cause for us. We know they're happiest when they're having a moan.
Anything that pluralises with a z
Petz Bunnyz? Homie Rollerz? Bratz Super Babyz? Did we miss a memo? Have the retardz finally taken over the boardroom? What's with this ridiculous trend of pluralising with a 'z'? Such illiterate nonsense can only serve to make the kidz more thicker than what they already is.
And for what? Just so corporate twatz can use this horribly contrived mechanism to 'connect' with a gullible 'tween' demographic? It's despicable, irritating and any game casually brandishing such erroneous suffixes is quite obviously evil and culpable of promoting widespread stupidity. Banish them to Hell with all the other sinnerz.
We know that stealing is bad because God said so in The Bible. So she must've been mighty pissed when the censors awarded DS plunderer Anno 1701: Dawn of Discovery an E - a game that is shamelessly based on burglarizing territory from indigenous people.
From the very first moment you set your uninvited foot on some unspoilt island paradise, the unstoppable wheels of capitalistic change are set in motion. You arrive well-equipped to displace the locals, importing war, religious doctrine, and the erosive qualities of industry. Don't let the frilly bonnets and round spectacles of the settlers in this autocratic RTS fool you - this is a dangerous 'My First Evil Guide to Imperialism' and your children could be playing it right now.
Bratz, Barbie, the Disney Princesses, High School Musical, The Cheetah Girls... There's something about them so sickeningly wrongsome that they make us want to puke our guts up. Then eat our steaming chunder off the floor and puke some more. That's how much they revile us. Inherently evil brands, disseminated indefatigably to the masses until the only escape from their fetid pollution is death.
One-dimensional morals, shallow obsessions with external beauty, unhealthy infatuation with fame... these are the E-rated games helping to nurture the self-centred narcissist disciples of materialism. Are these really the values to instil in the untainted souls of blessed little children? We think now's a good time to remind ourselves of Whitney's wobbly-mouthed wisdom. Now there was a role model for the kids to aspire to (before she hit the drug pipes, obviously).
Have we played any of these loathsome brand tie-ins? Of course not. What do you think we are - six-year old girls? Look, if ill-informed sweeping statements are good enough for mainstream media, then it's good enough for us.
Imagine you're standing at the top of a slippery slope wearing flip-flops made of banana skins. All it's going to take to send you skedaddling downwards into a nadir of destitute misery is the gentlest of nudges. It's a precariously disturbing mind image, but thanks to E-rated gambling games it’s a hazard that children are exposed to right now.
Is it really ethical that a tiny child can legally buy and play Texas Hold 'em Poker (Nintendo DS), Vegas Stakes (Wii VC), Poker Smash (XBLA) or any one of the numerous gambling-based games being openly peddled to everyone? Should it really be so easy for early learners to be introduced to the rudiments of the psychologically addictive pursuits of casinos and other such iniquitous establishments? Surely not, but this perversion of morality is a reality. It's a mad world indeed. And that's a sure bet.
Learning about the multifaceted ****-sides of life is a crucial part of growing up. So it rampantly buggers our belief that the pansy-brained E-rated so-called 'simulation' games which blatantly disregard the myriad cruelties and harshities of reality are allowed to run amok in the naïve minds of our precious offspring. But what harm can this miseducationment do to real lives? Let's find out the wreckage it can cause:
Son: Dad, Mr Waggy isn't moving...
Dad: He's dead. He's died of not being well looked after properly enough.
Son: He can't be dead. Dogs are immortal. The only consequence of a dog becoming parched and/or famished is its ineligibility to participate in contests and a high chance that it may abscond from my care, although it would return eventually.
Dad: Where do you get these retarded pansy-brained ideas from?
Son: Nintendogs taught me.
Dad: Well, Nintendogs lied to you and made your brain stupid.
Son: Nooooooo! I hate you Nintendogs... [inconsolable sobbing and sound of nails dragged slowly down a blackboard to symbolise deep emotional scarring]
Teen-mum: This baby I've just had is a bit ugly. When can I customise its face?
Teen-mum: When can I customise its face? You know - to make it less ugly.
Teen-mum: I'll think I'll give it some blue eyes.
Midwife: Blue eyes?
Teen-mum: Yeah. Like what I done in Baby Pals on my Nintendo DS.
Midwife: I think I'm going to vomit... [sound of incredulous splatter chunks]
And so on and so forth. You get the idea. Games that miseducate should not be misunderestimated.