[xFLOAT=left]http://www.wiichat.com/wiitrolls.jpg[/xFLOAT]Wii is more popular than ever. Even though you still may be having problems getting one in the shops. But as Reggie "President of Nintendo of America" Fils-Aime would say, "not my problem".
In fact, I can hear Reggie laughing at those poor souls wanting to spend their pitiful money on Nintendo's machine. Laughing. Then coming around to your house, putting a roll of pennies into his closed fist and socking you in the jaw for your impudence.
Why would he do such a thing? Because a far more pertinent concern is the inevitable attraction of trolls that Wii's popularity garners! Brand loyalty makes regular discussion about our brilliant medium fairly difficult. So why bother at all! Let's just get down to the fightin', shall we?
In truth, Wii's growing audience means a lot of people feel threatened and have the need to troll the hell out of any Wii related topic, regardless of how innocent it may be. A simple press release can turn into a sewer-storm of arguments. News of a long awaited title degenerates from excitement to deconstructing exactly why the game will be the worst thing ever. Mostly because it's on Wii. And so on.
So here are some handy stock responses to help stave off the constant barrage of needless sniping. Something to aid in keeping some trolls away on a rainy day, for yours to cut out and keep. Just don’t over do it. Try to limit things to one response per conversation (attempts to use multiple responses all at once is akin to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. Very bad). Also, the flamebait answers? They're hidden for a reason, i.e. they're likely to get you banned and stuff. So read them at your own discretion, but I wouldn’t advise you actually use them. Remember: any subsequent consequences are your own responsibility. I heard Reggie doesn’t like having to make multiple house calls in the same night. You've been warned.
Troll Number 1.
"I hear Wii isn’t selling very well."
Considered answer:
Recent sales reports state Wii is outselling its competition in most territories; therefore your jibe is inaccurate at time of writing. In fact, if taken in ratio terms of 'machines sold to time since release' and given Wii is constantly selling out, Nintendo's machine may well overtake all its opposition by the end of the calendar year after more high profile titles are on retail. I guess we shall see, won't we, old chap?
Snark Answer:
Oh noes, teh polar bears don’t like Wii! It's probably because it's white and they can't tell the difference between it and snow.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 2.
"Whew, the Wii games library stinks. When IS it getting some good games?"
Considered Answer:
The Wii line-up is rather patchy in terms of consistency, although this is the same for virtually any console during its early lifespan. Nintendo is blessed with some of the most recognisable and powerful franchises in the history of gaming, and thus already has given Wii a well selling and critically acclaimed Zelda title. Many other games are merely tests into the new and unfamiliar design of motion control and many third-parties have been caught out by Wii's unexpected popularity. Give it time, but currently Wii has a decent library for most tastes and clearly enough killer apps to keep the machine sold out, I'd say. Not to mention the vast amount of GameCube and virtual console titles to help out as well.
Snark Answer:
Well it'll probably get some good games a hell of lot sooner than your console will get an audience.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 3.
"Wii's like two GameCubes stuck together with duct-tape! My Etch-a-sketch can create better graphics than this!"
Considered Answer:
I think you'll find, old bean, that Wii's hardware is perfectly capable for the tasks at hand. This factor is not a concern to the bulk of Wii's audience -the casual, non and lapsed gamers- and its ability to play GameCube games flawlessly improved allows for a greater range of triple-A titles to be available from day one. Wii's visuals will only improve over time, with some forthcoming games such as Super Mario Galaxy, already showing impressive graphics.
Snark Answer:
That's kinda funny, because Etch-a-sketch outsold your console by millions too.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 4.
"Waggle doesn’t work and it's tacked on!"
Considered Answer:
When the technology is mostly new, there's only going to be flaws as very few things, if anything at all on this planet made by human hands is infallible. Nintendo has done a good job in making the Wii remote responsive and well-designed against a number of things that could have gone wrong and most complaints about such problems tend to be limited to developer software rather than the hardware itself – ask anyone who has got high scores on titles like Trauma Centre: Second Opinion, which requires extremely tight control.
As for it being "tacked on", many developers are still working out the best way to implement such controls into their games. As a first generation of motion control, this may well take some time but we're already seeing excellent use of it in older games, such as The Godfather: Blackhand Edition, an Electronic Arts game, no less. Wii's version of Resident Evil 4 should also give us a glimpse into the near future of third-person action titles with well thought-out Wii controls. Patience.
Snark Answer:
I guess I could say that about most of your games too by replacing "waggle" with "HD", but not enough people know what HD is to care, really.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 5.
"Mini-games LOLZ!"
Considered Answer:
Many titles of this genre tend to be a product of being quickly and cheaply developed for maximum rewards in the market. Part of the issue here is that many developers are still finding their feet in getting the best out of Wii and the most obvious and speedy way to do that is put out a mini-game collection. Considering the market's growth, quick, commitment-free titles are what a large wedge of the expanded audience wants anyway, so it may well be something no format will escape. But this does not mean other genres will fade away, regardless. Things will eventually even out and if Wii's installed base continues its considerable growth then it'll still have the widest array of genres through force of more developers making games for it.
Snark Answer:
Balding space marine gener-a-thon. LOLZ.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 6.
"Wii is just a fad, anyway, it won't last."
Considered Answer:
For a "fad" it's doing quite well seeing as most fads tend to fade away quite quickly. The problem with saying that Wii's appeal wont last is that most fads work on a very one dimensional basis - they have one particular draw and then disappear. Wii, as a games console, only truly works as well as its software, so all it needs is a good game to kick-start its attraction again should that ever start to drop. Currently we've seen that all it takes is one solid title -Wii Sports- to do that, and with many other big names around the corner and other software that appeals to the same market, it's unlikely that Wii's popularity will decline rapidly any time soon. All that plus the fact it's pretty much on its own in the market, given its rivals lack full motion/pointer capabilities, means it won't see any direct competition in what it can do for some time.
Snark Answer:
Sorry, didn’t quite catch that, was trading in my PSP for a DS… what was you saying? Never mind. Here, I brought a sieve to strain the bitter from your tears.
Flamebait Answer:
Troll Number 7.
"Wii is teh kiddie!"
Considered Answer:
Wii's market is actually quite wide, arguably broader than any other next gen consoles on retail right now. This is because the Nintendo brand appeals to the hardcore demographic, while casuals are also drawn in, along with non and lapsed gamers. Other consoles are guaranteed sales from the first two audience markers, but not so much the last two given they're effectively doing (and marketing) to the same demographic that has existed before. If you're looking for the secret to Wii's success it's all those members of the user base that haven’t had an interest in gaming previously and are now drawn to it through Wii's controller. And you'll likely find that part of the audience is taken up by adults, rather than kids, seeing as it's fair to say children are already more receptive to gaming than their parents (especially those over the age of 40) which is a growing slice of Wii's demographic.
In regards to its games, well if Wii's wide audience likes the games in its current library then you could say its titles are more 'all ages', than kiddie, per se – as childish games tend to only truly appeal to children. Maturity stems from not feeling the need to tell people you're mature and being confident enough to partake in any form of entertainment without fear of ridicule. That said, outside of faux mature software (more so 'adult' than 'mature') like Manhunt 2 and The Godfather -both of which are on Wii- the machine will also boast a number of games that will happily fall outside the remit of bouncing, day-glo graphics, if that is your prerogative.
Snark Answer:
Aww, I remember when I was insecure too. Funnily enough it was when I was so childish I actually give a crap what other people thought of my hobby.
Flamebait Answer:
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In fact, I can hear Reggie laughing at those poor souls wanting to spend their pitiful money on Nintendo's machine. Laughing. Then coming around to your house, putting a roll of pennies into his closed fist and socking you in the jaw for your impudence.
Why would he do such a thing? Because a far more pertinent concern is the inevitable attraction of trolls that Wii's popularity garners! Brand loyalty makes regular discussion about our brilliant medium fairly difficult. So why bother at all! Let's just get down to the fightin', shall we?
In truth, Wii's growing audience means a lot of people feel threatened and have the need to troll the hell out of any Wii related topic, regardless of how innocent it may be. A simple press release can turn into a sewer-storm of arguments. News of a long awaited title degenerates from excitement to deconstructing exactly why the game will be the worst thing ever. Mostly because it's on Wii. And so on.
So here are some handy stock responses to help stave off the constant barrage of needless sniping. Something to aid in keeping some trolls away on a rainy day, for yours to cut out and keep. Just don’t over do it. Try to limit things to one response per conversation (attempts to use multiple responses all at once is akin to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. Very bad). Also, the flamebait answers? They're hidden for a reason, i.e. they're likely to get you banned and stuff. So read them at your own discretion, but I wouldn’t advise you actually use them. Remember: any subsequent consequences are your own responsibility. I heard Reggie doesn’t like having to make multiple house calls in the same night. You've been warned.
Troll Number 1.
"I hear Wii isn’t selling very well."
Considered answer:
Recent sales reports state Wii is outselling its competition in most territories; therefore your jibe is inaccurate at time of writing. In fact, if taken in ratio terms of 'machines sold to time since release' and given Wii is constantly selling out, Nintendo's machine may well overtake all its opposition by the end of the calendar year after more high profile titles are on retail. I guess we shall see, won't we, old chap?
Snark Answer:
Oh noes, teh polar bears don’t like Wii! It's probably because it's white and they can't tell the difference between it and snow.
Flamebait Answer:
Yeah, well I hear your mom isn’t selling well either. So how about I hand her this five bucks and we get the ball(s) rolling?
Troll Number 2.
"Whew, the Wii games library stinks. When IS it getting some good games?"
Considered Answer:
The Wii line-up is rather patchy in terms of consistency, although this is the same for virtually any console during its early lifespan. Nintendo is blessed with some of the most recognisable and powerful franchises in the history of gaming, and thus already has given Wii a well selling and critically acclaimed Zelda title. Many other games are merely tests into the new and unfamiliar design of motion control and many third-parties have been caught out by Wii's unexpected popularity. Give it time, but currently Wii has a decent library for most tastes and clearly enough killer apps to keep the machine sold out, I'd say. Not to mention the vast amount of GameCube and virtual console titles to help out as well.
Snark Answer:
Well it'll probably get some good games a hell of lot sooner than your console will get an audience.
Flamebait Answer:
I heard your parents were pretty disappointed with you when you were only five months old too. At least Wii's actually got some prospects.
Troll Number 3.
"Wii's like two GameCubes stuck together with duct-tape! My Etch-a-sketch can create better graphics than this!"
Considered Answer:
I think you'll find, old bean, that Wii's hardware is perfectly capable for the tasks at hand. This factor is not a concern to the bulk of Wii's audience -the casual, non and lapsed gamers- and its ability to play GameCube games flawlessly improved allows for a greater range of triple-A titles to be available from day one. Wii's visuals will only improve over time, with some forthcoming games such as Super Mario Galaxy, already showing impressive graphics.
Snark Answer:
That's kinda funny, because Etch-a-sketch outsold your console by millions too.
Flamebait Answer:
Yup, and it'll still outsell your overpriced hunk of generic game fodder. I bet that hurts way worse than your nipple clamps, sweetheart.
Troll Number 4.
"Waggle doesn’t work and it's tacked on!"
Considered Answer:
When the technology is mostly new, there's only going to be flaws as very few things, if anything at all on this planet made by human hands is infallible. Nintendo has done a good job in making the Wii remote responsive and well-designed against a number of things that could have gone wrong and most complaints about such problems tend to be limited to developer software rather than the hardware itself – ask anyone who has got high scores on titles like Trauma Centre: Second Opinion, which requires extremely tight control.
As for it being "tacked on", many developers are still working out the best way to implement such controls into their games. As a first generation of motion control, this may well take some time but we're already seeing excellent use of it in older games, such as The Godfather: Blackhand Edition, an Electronic Arts game, no less. Wii's version of Resident Evil 4 should also give us a glimpse into the near future of third-person action titles with well thought-out Wii controls. Patience.
Snark Answer:
I guess I could say that about most of your games too by replacing "waggle" with "HD", but not enough people know what HD is to care, really.
Flamebait Answer:
That's okay. I'm putting it to good use on your family in the meantime anyway.
Troll Number 5.
"Mini-games LOLZ!"
Considered Answer:
Many titles of this genre tend to be a product of being quickly and cheaply developed for maximum rewards in the market. Part of the issue here is that many developers are still finding their feet in getting the best out of Wii and the most obvious and speedy way to do that is put out a mini-game collection. Considering the market's growth, quick, commitment-free titles are what a large wedge of the expanded audience wants anyway, so it may well be something no format will escape. But this does not mean other genres will fade away, regardless. Things will eventually even out and if Wii's installed base continues its considerable growth then it'll still have the widest array of genres through force of more developers making games for it.
Snark Answer:
Balding space marine gener-a-thon. LOLZ.
Flamebait Answer:
I'd respond, but I think I just heard your pops calling you. He probably wants his stupid back.
Troll Number 6.
"Wii is just a fad, anyway, it won't last."
Considered Answer:
For a "fad" it's doing quite well seeing as most fads tend to fade away quite quickly. The problem with saying that Wii's appeal wont last is that most fads work on a very one dimensional basis - they have one particular draw and then disappear. Wii, as a games console, only truly works as well as its software, so all it needs is a good game to kick-start its attraction again should that ever start to drop. Currently we've seen that all it takes is one solid title -Wii Sports- to do that, and with many other big names around the corner and other software that appeals to the same market, it's unlikely that Wii's popularity will decline rapidly any time soon. All that plus the fact it's pretty much on its own in the market, given its rivals lack full motion/pointer capabilities, means it won't see any direct competition in what it can do for some time.
Snark Answer:
Sorry, didn’t quite catch that, was trading in my PSP for a DS… what was you saying? Never mind. Here, I brought a sieve to strain the bitter from your tears.
Flamebait Answer:
I heard lobotomies were fads too, but given your brainless bilge I'd say that's clearly not the case.
Troll Number 7.
"Wii is teh kiddie!"
Considered Answer:
Wii's market is actually quite wide, arguably broader than any other next gen consoles on retail right now. This is because the Nintendo brand appeals to the hardcore demographic, while casuals are also drawn in, along with non and lapsed gamers. Other consoles are guaranteed sales from the first two audience markers, but not so much the last two given they're effectively doing (and marketing) to the same demographic that has existed before. If you're looking for the secret to Wii's success it's all those members of the user base that haven’t had an interest in gaming previously and are now drawn to it through Wii's controller. And you'll likely find that part of the audience is taken up by adults, rather than kids, seeing as it's fair to say children are already more receptive to gaming than their parents (especially those over the age of 40) which is a growing slice of Wii's demographic.
In regards to its games, well if Wii's wide audience likes the games in its current library then you could say its titles are more 'all ages', than kiddie, per se – as childish games tend to only truly appeal to children. Maturity stems from not feeling the need to tell people you're mature and being confident enough to partake in any form of entertainment without fear of ridicule. That said, outside of faux mature software (more so 'adult' than 'mature') like Manhunt 2 and The Godfather -both of which are on Wii- the machine will also boast a number of games that will happily fall outside the remit of bouncing, day-glo graphics, if that is your prerogative.
Snark Answer:
Aww, I remember when I was insecure too. Funnily enough it was when I was so childish I actually give a crap what other people thought of my hobby.
Flamebait Answer:
Well it can't be that childish – your mother was playing my Wii all last night.
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