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can you proofread my articles for school?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by JonRyan, Jan 25, 2009.

  1. JonRyan

    JonRyan Poe Hunter

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    like the topic say's i need people to proofread my articles for school because i'm a part of the school paper. i appreciate anyone who helps me out as far as proofreading, suggestions, feedback, and helping out with extra information.


    first up is a preview of Beyonetta.

    this is what i have so far.
    please note that the format is for a newspaper so the paragraphs are meant to be that small.





    El Rodeo staff writer
    By Ryan Rojas



    For those who fell in love with Dante from Devil May Cry bite your fist because there is a new demonic slayer in town, and this time she’s a beaut. Many of us were disappointed to see Devil May Cry end but now Hideki Kamiya (creator of Devil May Cry) is nearly ready to release his next game Beyonetta.

    Beyonetta is a witch that slays demons who disguise themselves as angels (just can’t get away from those demons can ya Mr. Kamiya?). Beyonetta uses magic that we mortals can’t even try to understand.

    Not only does Beyonetta have her own gun’s but she also uses magic which lets her use her hair as a weapon, oh and did I forget to mention that the only thing covering this foxy lady is her hair?
    Her body is covered with just her hair which appears to look like a black suit. Every time she attacks or is injured a piece of her skin is revealed (for shame who ever abuses that!).

    Besides from Beyonetta, this game looks pretty promising as far as graphics and game play go. The lighting matches up perfect with the theme. The voice acting is terrific as well as her personality.
    There isn’t much information out yet so we don’t have a release date but this game is certainly worth following, especially if you liked Devil May Cry. Lets just hope that Hideki Kamiya doesn’t make us wait too long before we get to see some more of Beyonetta in action.
     
    #1 JonRyan, Jan 25, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2009
  2. Syntax

    Syntax That Canucks Fan

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    Quick Edit:

    For those who fell in love with Dante, from Devil May Cry, bite your fist because there is a new demonic slayer in town. Many of us were disappointed to see Devil May Cry end, but now Hideki Kamiya, creator of Devil May Cry, is nearly ready to release his next game, Beyonetta.
    Beyonetta is a witch that slays demons who disguise themselves as angels . Beyonetta uses magic that we mortals can’t even 'dream of possessing'.
    Not only does Beyonetta have her own gun’s, but she also uses magic which lets her use her hair as a weapon.
    Her body is covered with just her hair which appears to look like a black suit. Every time she attacks, or is injured, a piece of her skin is revealed (for shame who ever abuses that!).
    Besides from Beyonetta, this game looks pretty promising as far as graphics and game play go. The lighting matches up perfect'ly' with the theme. The voice acting is terrific as well as 'Beyonetta's' personality.
    There isn’t much information 'about this game' out yet so we don’t have a ' set' release date but this game is certainly worth following'.' That is especially if you liked Devil May Cry. Lets just hope that Hideki Kamiya doesn’t make us wait too long before we get to see some more of Beyonetta in action.


    ' ' = Areas where I have added or revised a sentence. Also threw in some commas along the way. I'm not the best for editing work, but take it for what it's worth I suppose. Just be sure to get a second opinion.
     
  3. JonRyan

    JonRyan Poe Hunter

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    thanks i will make the changes. it means a lot to get some help from you thanks syntax.


    oh also keep in mind (who ever reads this) that my audience are teenagers who have little to no knowledge of video games, with the exception of a 100 students that do.

    btw my school consists of 3200 students.
     
  4. ROB64

    ROB64 40lb box of rape

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    Since it's to an audience that doesn't know much about video games, it might be effective to put a brief (few sentences) history of the devil may cry series. I'm not that great with writing, so I won't even try to edit it...
     
  5. JonRyan

    JonRyan Poe Hunter

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    thanks for the advice but i think the people who are going to read it will at least know of DMC, people who don't know about it will just ignore it. that's the way it works at my school sadly.
     
  6. Syntax

    Syntax That Canucks Fan

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    Try to put yourself into someone elses shoes when writing the article. Give a brief background of the games history and then move on to discussing the game. Don't try to ignore readers by focusing only on those who know about the game.
     
  7. JonRyan

    JonRyan Poe Hunter

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    alright i'll make the changes today.
     
  8. Skippy

    Skippy WiiChat Member

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    It's Bayonetta, not Beyonetta.
    http://www.sega.com/platinumgames/bayonetta

    And since so little has been shown of the game so far, it's a bit premature to fairly judge the quality of voice acting and personality of the main character.
     
  9. JonRyan

    JonRyan Poe Hunter

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    thanks for the correction. however i like that what i mentioned about her personality because i can already tell how she is going to be and it showed in the trailer. based on devil may cry people can see how close of a game this is going to be to it. the voice acting i liked from the trailer and i think because i stated that not much info is out there people will know that i based my opinion on what's released so far.
    i look forward to your side of this though.
    thanks again.
     

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who can proofread my school paper?