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Parenian Novel #1: Little Fauna

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Axtlar, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    This is one of the many novels I have written, I will be posting 1 of 4 small chapters each 2 days or so, so for those who like to read, this is for you, I hope you enjoy and if you don't read then don't post anything, if you are interested and read it you are welcome to comment, thanks.

    Chapter 1: The Trial

    At the east of Vanayún... lagoon, jungle and, forest natives are masters of a very apt land in which they live in harmony; each tribe with their own corresponding territory, without the need of being living together among other tribes. The natives have long since been living in this manner and have prohibited the trespassing of other tribes into their territories. These laws caused 6 curious, adventurous infants of different tribes to bore of their way of living; playing with their own same tribes no different than any other in it, with no different ideas, no different colors, accents, etc. so then they would each exit their territories to take a walk, when thanks to pure casualty, all 6 would find themselves and would commence to know each other and their friendship and trust would grow more and more. One of them; a female, was part of a far away tribe unkown to all of them, her name was Oruba, she is not at all as she appears to be and is very unpredictable.
    Oruba: *to the infants* I am from the Salums tribe.
    Infants: Ohhhhhhh
    Tekhorii:*To Oruba* Hmmm..Yes, I have heard of your tribe before, I heard also that you are very hard workers.
    Tekhorii is the oldest of the 6, he's somewhat buffed, and round around the waist.
    Conito:*to the sky* How I long to swim!!
    As you can see, Conito loves the water; he's the best swimmer of the 6
    Licheca: *To Conito* What does THAT have to do with anything?!
    Even though she's the youngest, Licheca is a master of controversy, action and intrigue.
    Muñiña(Pronounced Moo-nyi-nya): Oh, please, don't fight...We have enough discussions with our parents and other adults.
    Muñiña is a very shy and timid infant, and unfortunately, she's blind.
    Xinté: Muñiña is right...And there's something we have do for this to end! They can't be separeated our whole lives.
    Xinté is the most valiant and occurent of the 6 infants.

    In no time at all, these infants become inseparable, they tried to abolish these laws, but with no result, the adults would ignore all talk of "law abolishment"
    Then one day, Xinté decided to escape with all of his 5 infant friends to a place where they would live all in harmony as one tribe, with no laws to follow, but the adults discovered their little plan and, shocked, prepared a court in which they would decide what to do with these "little ones"
    Judge: Order!! *hammers* order in the court!*
    For the first time in so many years, the infants saw all the tribes united at the court, but each one in each correspondent tribe seats.
    Lichecha: *murmuring to Conito* what, do we have to do this all the time for the adults to come together? *Conito snickered*
    Fiscal: All right...We have here six little ones who have ignored and broken our laws deliberatedly more than once...
    After a while, all the infants would only hear a "blah blah blaaa" coming out of the Fiscal, except for Oruba who explained the reason as to why they would run away. The infants stayed loyal to their ideas: to escape, they insisted until the judge would propose that if they wanted to go, they would have to return with proof that "out there" is a far better place than the one they live in, if they do not return with that proof, they would live forever with those laws with no whining and no escaping ever again, but if they did find proof, they would be free to go live there freely. The whole court fell silent after hearing this. The Fiscal said to the judge furiously: No! what are you doing!?
    Judge: Order! *to the Fiscal* take your seat!
    The fiscal, angry, returned to his seat, and would start to seem preoccupied.
    Judge: I give the verdict to the jury to decide the destiny of these young ones. You have one day. Court suspended! *hammering*
    The infants had happy faces because they would finally have the possibility to do something they wanted to do together, but the court had faces of compassion and grief *murmurring: But, how could that judge do that?! I wish the jury negates the proposal...*
    The families of each of the 6 infants would ask "why?" they do this and would obligate them to not do it and to stay, and would no longer permit them to see each of the infants...But the infants were different now, they were growing, and were very close to their ideals and dreams, desires and ambitions...and the parents had to accept it.
    The next day, the jury announced that the verdict was approved...The court fell silent again, then various mothers fainted. All 6 infants would say good-bye to their parents and older siblings, who gifted them an immense quantity of food and things they would need for their voyage...
    Fiscal:*To the judge* But..what if something happens to them?
    Jugde: Of course not...When they discover the truth...they will return...This will teach the stubborn a lesson.

    TO BE CONTINUED...
     
    #1 Axtlar, Sep 20, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2007
  2. surfinrach90

    surfinrach90 I GOT A JAR OF DIRT.

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    Hmm.. not bad but one thing that really bugged me was the fact it's a tribe, yet there's a 'judge' and he sais 'order in the court' and he uses a hammer.

    Don't think tribe people would be doing that, I'm sure they'd have different ways of doing things but not bad none the less =]
     
  3. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    You are right, very good observant, but, the word hammer is what represents the real utensils used by the tribe and the court too, imagine it all jungle made, not like the courts in the cities over here. And that also goes for the judge, the judge is not a man with a white wig and black clothes, he's just a "spiritual" judge, one who judges.
     
    #3 Axtlar, Sep 21, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2007
  4. Marioman

    Marioman Locke likes oranges

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    Wow...sweet story man, lol i knew how to pronounce Muñiña because I'm taking spanish, it seems as though the judge either knows that there is a better world out there, or something that will make them come back in fear
     
  5. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Yeah he does know, Marioman, lol, the second chapter is ready, but I will update it tomorrow or maybe today at 5...oh and good thing you know some Spanish, dude!
     
  6. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Chapter 2: The Warning

    The 6 infants now begin their adventure into the unknown. In the way they meet members from other tribes, and as they walked into the heart of the great forest, they find a fallen and hurt native, they help him stand as they make a camp there. The native had something going through his right limb: “The beasts have done this to me…They had imprisoned me in a cell within their kingdom, and would not let me out…I did every possible move to escape…and I accomplished it…I felt I was free again, but then I felt this and fell here in this forest…Now I can’t go on.”
    Tekhorii: I will help you, friend, I am a healer..
    Oruba: I know medicine *examines the native’s right limb* Hmm…Tekhorii, go get some yellow herbs from that lake we passed.
    Tekhorii: Yes, he will also need juice from the Majiki trees, I will look for it *goes to look for them*
    Xinté: What is your name, brave survivor?
    “My name is Vatlin” *All six infants introduced themselves after Tekhorii’s arrival with the herbs and Majiki juice*
    Soon night fell and it was dark, and the infants somehow managed to make a fire and would eat plantains and fried peaches and some insects, and then as they were ready to go to sleep…
    Xinté: tell us more about those “beasts”, Vatlin.
    Vatlin: They’re huge…Ugly, they’re all the same! You get a feeling of insupportable monotony that incorporates absolute insanity; at night you cannot even sleep…! *Oruba*:Insomnia..yes I know perfectly well what you mean.* Vatlin turns head to look at her with scared face and bug eyes and continues* …They capture tribes, they hurt and torture them, I have even heard screams from some of the tortured ones that cease repentantly …*trembles* they slaughter them!
    All open eyes wide in fear, except for Conito who consoles Vatlin who now cried*
    Licheca: *stands up* I will fight them, nobody will be slaughtering my tribe! If I see one of those beasts, I will cut their heads in half with my strong feet.
    Tekhorii: that is physically impossible, in all I have lived, I have not seen this happen.
    Licheca: We will see!
    Xinté: No..If what Vatlin says is true, then we will have to be careful not to come across those beasts, so no looking for them, Licheca…
    Licheca puts fists on hips and sat down
    Vatlin: *turns and looks at Muñiña* why so quiet?
    *Muñiña knew he was talking to her after the silence*
    Muñiña: Oh..Hi… *she gets embarrassed and blushes*
    *Conito does gestures to Vatling about Muñiña being blind*
    Vatlin: what?
    *Conito repeats the gestures*
    Vatlin: *stands and screams* ahh! Someone help him, he’s got something in his eyes!
    *Everyone except Muñiña covered Vatlin’s speaking area*
    Muñiña: *in a very quiet voice* Conito, I can perceive all your movements…
    Conito: Oh I-I’m sorry
    Oruba: Leave her alone
    Muñiña turns and begins to cry silently, then she stands up and with her upper limbs extended, begins to walk and stumbles upon a tree, but kept on walking, Xinté stood with a compassionate look towards her.
    Vatlin:*Murmuring to everyone* ahhh, she can’t see? *everyone shut him up*
    Muñiña continued crying in silence as she walked until she got to her camping sleep area. Xinté entered a moment later and consoled her: “it’s not good to go to sleep crying and sad, sleep happy” he said and did funny things with his voice to make her laugh and so he did, Muñiña smiled and slept happy like all the other infants and Vatlin.

    TO BE CONTINUED...
     
    #6 Axtlar, Sep 21, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2007
  7. Foxy

    Foxy Super Ninjarator
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    Some things are iffy.

    One thing that bugged me is that it is half script half story...

    why do the Judge: 'hdjdfjvfhhj' Jack: 'dhhbvhbhbjhb'. ' alone would make it speech.

    'Hey, get your head back here!' screamed jack, the judge replied 'Shaddup!'/
     
  8. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Yeah it is meant to be a half script/half story
    and that second part I didn't understand, could you explain? Oh I see what you're saying..well let me say that it's simply a style I used for this particular one, sorry if it bothers you, but I understand the elements of a script...it's like a play and script together.
     
    #8 Axtlar, Sep 21, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2007
  9. Foxy

    Foxy Super Ninjarator
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    It was just an example of how a third person story should be set out, I didnt relize you wanted the script/story effect.

    However if I was you, I would of choose one of them.
     
  10. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Well, yes thank you...as you get near the ending it will have other confusing stuff, so like I told you: all of this is intentional..I'll be sure to have my next novels as one: a script.
     
  11. Foxy

    Foxy Super Ninjarator
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    Looking forward to it, this one is pretty nice and it is mixed which is my only point.

    The next one will be very good:)

    English is not your first language I believe?
     
  12. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Yeah, it isn't, I'm glad you noticed, but, where is this obvious in the story?
     
  13. Foxy

    Foxy Super Ninjarator
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    No No I didnt notice in the story, it is just something I think is worth mentioning.

    You wrote this very well even though it is your second language.
     
  14. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Thanks! I have been studying since 1st grade back in Mexico...Well if you haven't read the second chapter, it's above, so be sure to read it.
     
  15. DRMARIO

    DRMARIO Controversial.

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    Considering it's a 'novel', those are remarkably short chapters.
     
  16. Marioman

    Marioman Locke likes oranges

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    Second Chapter was pretty interesting, keep up the good work
     
  17. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    Yes I know, it is a prototype(if you'd like) of a short novel, if you guys like it, I will make it a full novel with many pages and even will attempt to publish it. So what do you think so far Dr Mario? aside from that?

    Oh thanks, Marioman!

    Here's the third chapter by the way:


    Chapter 3: Encounters

    The next morning, everyone had a special banquet of different foods like caterpillars and worms for breakfast but Oruba refused to eat, for she feels guilt to eat smaller creatures than themselves. Xinté is accustomed to eating this kinds of foods, even though his favorite is meat, Vatlin ate them without a problem, he even enjoyed them, as the rest of the infants, nevertheless, Conito caught some fish and ate them as they’re his favorite food. Vatlin has been cured thanks to Tekhorii and Oruba, and so he departed after saying farewell and giving them a promise of a return someday to repay the favor.
    The 6 infants continued on their journey, they walked and walked through the forest, and quite suddenly, they notice something far away that looks back at them, and they all halt in silence.
    Xinté:*quietly* He’s from the…killer tribe.
    Oruba: I would call cannibalism to what that tribe does.
    Tekhorii: Xinté’s point was to get out of here before “that” begins his “cannibalism” act.
    *Muñiña hides behind a bush*
    Licheca:*in a tough manner* I will take him! *Walks forward to him*
    Conito: *Stops and carries her back with the rest quickly while she kicks* No, Licheca, this one is too big for you to handle.
    The native is from the Vimillo tribe; he’s long and with a vile and vicious face.
    Tekhorii: The secret is to not show fear, remember that divided we fall, while united we stand.
    The Vimillense native climbed a tree and everyone was tranquil and let their guard down. Conito put Licheca down and Oruba stood, since she was crouching. They heard the noise of branches moving, turned around, and there he was; the native ready to devour Muñiña from behind as she stood still in fear trembling a bit hiding behind the bush, still, Conito quickly took him down the tree with his limbs and stumped his face, knocking him out as he was fallen in the ground, then he put him inside a deep hole from which he could not get out.
    Everyone relaxed again, but now more than ever; they kept their eyes wide open.
    As they arrive at a small pool of water naturally formed, Conito immediately went in and swam happily.
    Conito: Ahhh, I could not stand not being in water.
    And everyone went in afterwards except for the shy Muñiña, and Xinté, who dislikes the water. As the couple watched them have fun, they began to chat.
    Xinté: So, what do you think there will be out of this forest, Muñiña?
    Muñiña: I don’t knooow…Maybe a very pretty paradise, with so many flowers, and waterfalls, and beautiful butterflies. *she giggles sweetly*
    Xinté: *smiles* I think the same, and we will all be happy there.
    Everyone passed the night together below the stars, and each one of them told a tale, they laughed, enjoyed and slept.

    The next day, after the infants had fully woken up, they continued on until they had finally began to enter the outdoors of the forest; the trees seemed uglier, almost dead, and there was an obvious foul aroma in the air which they had never smelled in their lives.
    They were now at the edge of the forest, where there lied what seemed to be a long river going across their path, it was between their world and the paradise they are willing to venture, but it was a strange river indeed; it was gray, fractured, and it shined.
    Licheca: What Erlood is that?
    Conito: First the trees, then the air, and now the water is dirty, too? *touches it with the tip of his lower limb and gasps shocked* It is hard!
    Everyone was surprised at this but they proposed to go through it.
    Xinté: let us pass quickly; it looks like it will thaw.
    Everyone passed through, but now, what captured their sights and petrified them, was something in front very far away, or very immense, or the two combined, it looked bigger than the trees, waterfalls, and mounts from heir lands, it was something burning with a face of agony spitting smoke from its various mouths.
    The infants could not move, they were fearful and they began to feel extreme inner transformations, and then they saw the worst: the beasts…Standing there near the enormous fire breathing monster, no infant could speak of their fears, and without thinking, they ran, from every side the beasts appeared; they were big, white with inexpressive black eyes like a fly’s, big noses, and large limbs. They captured the 6 infants, Muñiña could not even move, Oruba would kick, even though she has strong lower limbs, nothing happened, Conito also defended himself; they had him by his upper limbs, covering his speaking area, but he bit them..With no result, Tekhorii also attacked in the same manner, but one of the beasts began to act viciously and so he hid his face to avoid any harm, Licheca tried to escape by running and jumping as fast as she could, but they still took her, Xinté was the rebel in this ocassion, he was furiously attacking, trying to get away, so they stabbed him with something he recognized instantly: Vatlin had it in his right limb, and then, Xinté fainted.
    Various clouds have passed now, and Xinté woke up feeling the night, but the place he was in was day, he did not understand, he looked around and saw his friends separated in small cells. Muñiña was hiding between her limbs, Tekhorii was either sleeping or fainted, but couldn’t quite be analyzed, Licheca was trying to get out, neither Oruba nor Conito appeared to be inside the strange chamber unlike anything they have ever seen.
    Xinté:Conito…Oruba! *Starts to cry with much feeling* what is this? *Says with cracked voice*
    Muñiña sees him crying and begins to cry also, accompanying him. Screams and Yells from other tribes can be heard as they are being tortured, everything as Vatlin told it, then loud cries coming from Oruba from another place.
    Xinté: Oruba!….ORUBAAAA!!!!
    And night ends with suffering.
     
    #17 Axtlar, Sep 22, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2007
  18. DRMARIO

    DRMARIO Controversial.

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    To be quite frank, I didn't read it.

    But I do believe that if one were to write a book, write it first off. Spend lots of time, but don't make a LONG draft, or prototype like you just claimed.
     
  19. Axtlar

    Axtlar Del fuego he resurgido...

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    All right, thanks for your observations.
     
  20. Frogger

    Frogger God Complex

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    Hm, I don't read, but I do like to write... Don't judge me.

    First of all, I noticed that it was very hard to read like the structure, your paragraphs need to be spaced out more clearly because my eyes kept jumbling up words and lines. To some people, spacing matters, and it really messes up my point in the story.

    Another thing, you've written it like a script, fair enough if you were going to write a play, but as the Cappin' has kindly pipped me to my post I think that you should incorporate speech as if it wasn't an internet language. Describe their actions and use more words rather than 'said.' Just totally forget that the colon key exists and try to make the story flow, reading out the names of people who are talking, that shouldn't be a problem in a novel, they can direct it very well who is talking to who.

    As I've said, I don't like to read, I'm a playwrite. =/

    You're going into much more depth, I like that.
     

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