Admissions Essay.... revise?

[Brawny]

eh, it's late, I can't see straight anymore. I've been staring at letters all day.

Help me with a fresh pair of eyes (although one would still be appreciated.)

:wink:

Any meaningful help gets rep.

Spoiler

Diversity
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

“Different in quality or character.” According to Mr. Webster, this is diversity. Throughout my life, this definition has described me in varying ways of well.
One particular instance of realizing my unique self was at a Calvinist Cadet Corps. Camporee. Thousands of churches from all across the world joined in the summer of 1999, my 6th grade year, in Alberta Canada. While overall, this was a time to unite with other Christians and see that there are believers from everywhere, we were also able to divide into small groups, and hold very deep debates. This is where I found my true thoughts. I was able to hone my faith. I found that I didn't always agree with everyone else, sometimes I was thought downright heretical in my interpretations of some things by my peers. After speaking with the Counselors at the camp, I found that being different is Tokay. I really learned a lot that week about myself, and how I live and think, and its relationship to others'.
Fast-forward to a few years later, I got caught the internet fever. I joined many forums, and found that I loved to debate. While being around other Christians and discussing our religion helped me to define my beliefs, being bombarded by non-christians online was refreshing. It caused me to take an even deeper look at myself, and be firmer in my faith.
I think that my academic history shows great equality among the different types of classes. I am just as strong in English and art as science and math. This, combined with my exposure to new and different ideas would make me a unique individual on the campus of the University of Michigan, where I hope to be able to set myself apart even more.

NOte, this is still a first draft, I'm writing all three, then revising them. I'll post them as I finish them though. Thanks in advance.

 

[ssbb_lover]

Only problem is the grammar. I like the construction and topic. Nice draft. Please, don't give any rep to people...you're asking for a spam thread with beggars.

 

[Brawny]

See: meaningful help

 

[Byuakuya]

Only problem is the grammar. I like the construction and topic. Nice draft. Please, don't give any rep to people...you're asking for a spam thread with beggars.

I have to agree with Ty. Apart from the grammar, it looks like a well written piece. I hope to see further revisions. Good job.

 

[Brawny]

essay numero dos. Btw guys, you're being outdone by WL.

Spoiler

Adam Peacock
Application Essay Part 2
Experiences and Aspirations
Please describe you interests and aspirations in engineering. What experiences have influenced you?

I suppose my entire life has pointed toward a career related to science in some way, shape, or form. As a kid, I had (or should I say have) all the Lego kits, Mindstorms, K'nex, erector, lincoln logs, and just about every other building toy in existence. In the decade of the 90's everyone had them. But unlike my friends, I did not grow out of them. First, I would try to model things, such as cars, my house, my boat, etc. Following that, I began designing things. I built myself guitar stands, bookshelves, gun targets, you name it. As my family slowly accumulated a larger graveyard of electronics, before donating them to Goodwill, I would take them apart, find out how they worked, then see if I could put everything back, in order.
I could first answer the age-old question every kid hears: "What do you want to be when you grow up", when I was about 12. My family goes camping about 2 months out of the summer every year with some family friends. That year, they had their family reunion at the campgrounds. Two of their extended family members were engineers. One, in aerospace, and another, a Mechanical Engineer for Suzuki. That weekend, I spent more time talking to them than my own family. From what exactly "hemi" means on an engine, to basic fluid and thermo-dynamics. I could not get enough. I finally could put a name to what exactly I wanted to do with my life, Engineer.
What do I want to do with an Engineering Degree from the University of Michigan? I hope to simply continue what I already love to do: design practical solutions that solve the problem in the most efficient way possible.

Note: the first paragraph is the question I have to answer.

 

[Byuakuya]

That was very interesting to read. The structure of the essay is well placed and it was short, sweet and to the point. I really like the way that you have ended this section with "I hope to simply continue what I already love to do: design practical solutions that solve the problem in the most efficient way possible."
My only problem is the name of the building blocks: shouldn't they all begin with a capital? For example, "Erector" instead of "erector" (yes, I know that I am picky).
Overall, it was a great piece, so good job.

 

[Brawny]

Ah, thank you pras, although you're holding back. This is my future at stake :O. Rip it to shreddsssss!

 

[Byuakuya]

Ah, thank you pras, although you're holding back. This is my future at stake :O. Rip it to shreddsssss!

Since you are asking for it: it is the worst piece of crap that I have ever laid my eyes on. :lol:
Seriously, I meant exactly what I said in my previous post.

 

[Sillyhat]

Where are you applying to with these essays?

 

[JAKE196]

take the "t" out of "okay" :lol:

i deserve rep for that one :yesnod:

 

[crazyman2]

Opening with a definition by "Mr. Webster" has been done and done and done again. I didnt read past that line, and I'm thinking whoever you send this to won't either. Though i do have to say the way you did the definition was creative, but i think you would be better off using your creativity to create a better hook line.

 

[Brawny]

1. university of Michigan
2. Already fixed before you mentioned it
3. Yep, working on changing the intro too.

Final essay part:

Setbacks and Resolutions
Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

Surprising to me, the longest, final essay is probably, sad to say, the easiest one to come up with. At the age of 9, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes. Ever since, she's had to draw blood, test it, and administer another shot of insulin, at least 3 times a day, often more. Since she's had it all her life, it really couldn't be a “setback” for me, because I did not know any different. Life went on normally, till 5th grade. One night, my mom had a massive heart attack. While the exact reason is unknown, somehow, her diabetes caused a stroke-like blockage to the brain. In the meantime, her optical nerves were killed. While other operations can be done on the eye, there is no such thing as a nerve-transplant, especially for the optic nerve. After my mom went blind, many things happened. I had to live with my aunt for about 3 months, as my mom was recuperating in the hospital, then later, my grandparents' house. Our financial stability took a turn for the worse, as we went from two full-time incomes, to only one. My dad works in Tool and Die, which is declining in the state of Michigan as well.
Another side-effect of the heart-attack, was memory loss. It was and still is, an extremely difficult thing to learn new activities. She had to learn how to walk, brush her teeth, even eat, everything we take for granted. My dad switched to third shift, so that my mom could have someone in the house at all times in case of emergencies. My sister and I had to take up a lot of responsibilities that none of our friends had. We cooked all meals, did our own laundry, the dishes, took care of our pets, everything. At first I resented it a lot. I wanted to go to friends' houses, buy the newest video game consoles, and generally be a free kid.
In hindsight, I was lucky that that didn't happen. Thanks to my grandparents and my church, we somehow made it to the present,, and I have been made an immensely better person because of it. I learned that I should put others before myself a lot younger than normal. I sort of slowly accepted that it was part of life, and scheduled my own activities around the needs of the family. This was not a one-time-deal, it will be with me for the rest of my life, and while it is devastating that my mom is severely disabled, I think it will help me to put things into perspective greatly.
I am supposed to say how I would react to something similar happening in the future. Honestly, I'd be devastated. By it's very nature, It can't really happen again, as I am continually learning from my situation at home. If I went back in time, and my mom didn't go blind, I'm not so sure I'd like it any better. It sounds very strange to say, but the lessons in life I learned from my mom's disability was worth the extra responsibility that I was required to do, not that I'd want her to lose her sight if I had the option though.


And did you guys read essay #2 up there in a spoiler?

edit: new first paragraph to Essay #1?

When I first read the question, my mind immediately went to play the “race card”. I decided to look up what “diversity” means anyway. Going by the definition, “different in quality or character”, I decided that the most original thing about me in a college setting would be my religion, so that is what I shall focus on.