Welcome to Our Community

Wanting to join the rest of our members? Feel free to sign up today.

The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'White Noise' started by kingslayer, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    This is a thread I made for jokes. Each day I want at least one new joke on here.

    Also, try to rate the last joke with a 1-10 scale.


    I'll start out with some jokes.


    Dirty Jokes (Suggested 18+ to read (not incredibly bad... but still)):

    Pudding Surprise:
    Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

    The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

    Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

    The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."
    Magic Apples:
    A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

    "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

    "magic apples", the old man replied.

    "Prove it", said the young man.

    "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

    "Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

    The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

    The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

    The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

    The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

    "I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

    The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

    He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like ****".

    The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
    Deadly Fruit:
    One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

    When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

    The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

    So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

    Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

    The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

    The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."


    Random:
    Lying Bas***d (I bleeped it):
    A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
    license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

    Heaven's Gate:
    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

    The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

    St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

    St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

    "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

    The Whipped Lines:
    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

    God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

    Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, but, on the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.

    God becomes angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

    The man says, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."


    Okay... 6 is enough for now.
     
  2. Bodine

    Bodine Sonic expert

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2009
    Messages:
    2,361
    Likes Received:
    2
    Wii Friend Code: 1234-1234-1234-1234
    1234-1234-1234-1234
    So why did the "Indians" attack those guys?
     
  3. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    It was the probably back in the cowboy days. Maybe they massacred one of their villages (fitting payback), or something. I mean... Americans were pretty bad to Indians. If I was an Indian back then I would probably do the same thing, Americans were douches.
     
  4. Bodine

    Bodine Sonic expert

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2009
    Messages:
    2,361
    Likes Received:
    2
    Wii Friend Code: 1234-1234-1234-1234
    1234-1234-1234-1234
    Americans were mean to Indians?....

    *facrpalm*

    You mean the white people were mean to Americans.
     
  5. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    Actually the French were always nice to the Indians.

    British = Terrible
    American's = Worst
    Spaniards = Terrible
    Vikings = Bad
    French = Great
     
  6. Bodine

    Bodine Sonic expert

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2009
    Messages:
    2,361
    Likes Received:
    2
    Wii Friend Code: 1234-1234-1234-1234
    1234-1234-1234-1234
    I said nothing of the French?

    Anyway hi, I'm Bodine, 85% Cherokee Native American. We don't make people shove fruit up their ass.
     
  7. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    The first joke makes fun of white people and the last joke makes fun of men. The fact that Indians are in the joke isn't even really important. I could switch their names with anything... I didn't make the joke up. If you ask me to I'll switch the Indians out with something else... just give me something to switch them with (nothing stupid and has to go with the rest of it... I just want to exchange the word not rearrange the joke).

    You said "white people" and French are white, so I just specified more.
     
  8. Bodine

    Bodine Sonic expert

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2009
    Messages:
    2,361
    Likes Received:
    2
    Wii Friend Code: 1234-1234-1234-1234
    1234-1234-1234-1234
    Nah it's fine I suppose. >_>

    Just sayin though, most joke threads don't last long when race is thrown into the mix.
     
  9. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    I never really focused on the Indian part of the joke, anyway. I was a little confused when you addressed it in the first place; I wasn't sure what you were talking about.

    I don't really see what the big deal about splitting people up in races is. White, black, yellow, green, orange, purple... I really don't care. As long as I can understand what your saying (and it's not completely idiotic) I won't have any problems with you (well unless the person is a complete jerk).

    I guess it's just how I was raised. I've always had many different type of friends (black, white, gay, Indian, Asian, Spanish, British (lot of cool kids from there), etc.)
     
  10. kingslayer

    kingslayer The Grammar Police

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Wii Friend Code: 1345-6587-5984-5125
    1345-6587-5984-5125
    Okay... I hate double posting, but it seems people don't know jokes. I have a little free time, so I'll post 10 more. I'm not going to make them extremely hilarious (since no else seems to care, but they'll be funny).

    The Cop and the Kid:
    On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    The kid replies, "Yeah."

    The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

    The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

    The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

    Funny Balloons:
    [​IMG]

    On a Flight (Ehhh...):
    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

    She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

    The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

    Letter Tricks (not technically a joke, but still cool):
    DORMITORY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    DIRTY ROOM

    PRESBYTERIAN:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS

    SLOT MACHINES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    CASH LOST IN ME

    ANIMOSITY:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IS NO AMITY

    ELECTION RESULTS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

    SNOOZE ALARMS:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

    A DECIMAL POINT:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    IM A DOT IN PLACE

    THE EARTHQUAKES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THAT QUEER SHAKE

    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    TWELVE PLUS ONE


    AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

    MOTHER-IN-LAW:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    WOMAN HITLER

    One Smart Mom:
    John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

    She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

    She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

    Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

    A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

    "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

    John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."

    Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."

    Job Application:
    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

    SIGN HERE: Aries.

    Funny Avatar (Adult Content):

    Note to Wife:
    An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

    Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Your Loving Husband.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here.

    Electric Train (Language, but funny):
    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

    Blonde Joke (to finish it off):
    One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

    "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

    "Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
     

Share This Page