This is my first fan fic ever wrote so supportive and constructive criticism would be apprciated.........by the way its really similiar to Kingdom Hearts because it inspired this.
Castle Spirits
Chapter 1 “Realm of Light”
**********************************************************
Imagine a place with pure perfection of beauty, happiness, and greatness. This place exists, it’s called Rol short for Realm of Light. I live in this perfection, you might think its great and all but I really there is no challenge. I wish for more then just being happy and having no challenge. Soon this wish I ask for will become something more then I could ask for. My wish will come true.
It begins on a happy day as usual but it won’t end the usual way. I got dressed and stared in the mirror I was wearing blue shorts, blue shoes, and a orange sweater. I considered myself cool looking except for my messy black hair that will refuse to stay down.
I walked out of my small house and looked at the world I was living in. A large cliff with the green, flowers, beautiful plants growing on the side of it. And a large waterfall that came down from the cliff and into the ocean that was right in front of the cliff. People lived in wooden homes built inside the cliff. It looks like paradise.
As usual I went to the shore and sat there and waited for my friends to come, Kyle and Andrea who are both siblings to each other. They are the greatest pals I could ever ask for. Kyle is like an older brother to me, he teaches me lots of cool things and hangs out with me like a brother would. Andrea on the other hand is becoming less of friend but more of someone I care about she would always be looking on the bright side of things and always smiling.
I stared into the sky wondering if I what I have right now is what I will only have for the rest of my life till I die. This isn’t the way I want to die I thought. Then Andrea’s head came into view interrupting my thoughts. She smiled at me like she always does, her smile, so happy. She was wearing jean like pink jacket sleeveless covering a white shirt, pink shoes, and a pink jean like short skirt.
As she was sitting down next to me she started off the conversation. “What are you thinking about?”
I tried to put what I was thinking into words and then spoke them. “Wanting more then just this I mean look at our lives.” I got to my feet and continued “We have no challenge, without challenge we have no satisfaction in our lives!”
Andrea took my hand and pulled me down to her. “You ask for to much,” she ran her fingers through my hair “Besides we want to do good for Brokine’s sake.”
Brokine, our god, he guides us and this is how we got here to paradise.
“Whatever,” I responded to her statement. “Where is Kyle?”
“He is coming”
I looked and there he was walking across the shore wearing jeans, black shoes, and white shirt covered with a blue jacket that was also jean like and sleeveless unzipped. He was also walking with his lucky stick. Kyle gave me a smirk and I did the same.
Then a rumbling sound came from above. Black clouds started forming in the skies and streaks of light came down from them and then rain. The water seemed to go from blue and clear to black and murky.
Andrea and I both got to our feet. Then out of the waters were four legged crawling dark figures with red eyes. Andrea grabbed my hand. I looked into her eyes and she had pure fear. I knew I needed to protect her.
I pulled her hand and we both we ran towards Kyle. Kyle got piled on by the dark figures. His stick rolled towards me. I snagged it and snapped it half. Quickly I gave one to Andrea.
“Stay here and defend yourself,” I commanded. “I am going to get Kyle!”
I took one last stare into her eyes that showed something else then just fear. Something I couldn’t describe. Quickly I turned towards Kyle and began swinging recklessly at the dark figures that were on him. It didn’t last long. I began getting, pulled tugged, by the figures until I was down to the ground.
I didn’t know what they were doing to me but my body began to feel weaker and weaker. I couldn’t move or think. Then I heard a scream from Andrea after that I got my conscious back.
I tighten the stick, got up, and swung at the figures. It was no longer a stick but a sword with both sides cut circular cut outs that open out. With a better weapon I began attacking the ones around me. Then I saw that there were armies surrounding me.
I prepared for the worst. As I looked at them how they were all doing a disturbing dance over and over. A flickering sound of wind came from above. In the sky above there was dark round opening began pulling me in. I tried to hold my ground but it didn’t work. In the end I was sucked inside the darkness.
********************************************************
Preview for the next chapter
“I’m Mario.”
“Call me Link”
“Puzzle Blade?”
***************************************************
So what should I do for my next chapter make it longer or keep the same length. Add more details or keep the same amount I had?
Castle Spirits
Chapter 1 “Realm of Light”
**********************************************************
Imagine a place with pure perfection of beauty, happiness, and greatness. This place exists, it’s called Rol short for Realm of Light. I live in this perfection, you might think its great and all but I really there is no challenge. I wish for more then just being happy and having no challenge. Soon this wish I ask for will become something more then I could ask for. My wish will come true.
It begins on a happy day as usual but it won’t end the usual way. I got dressed and stared in the mirror I was wearing blue shorts, blue shoes, and a orange sweater. I considered myself cool looking except for my messy black hair that will refuse to stay down.
I walked out of my small house and looked at the world I was living in. A large cliff with the green, flowers, beautiful plants growing on the side of it. And a large waterfall that came down from the cliff and into the ocean that was right in front of the cliff. People lived in wooden homes built inside the cliff. It looks like paradise.
As usual I went to the shore and sat there and waited for my friends to come, Kyle and Andrea who are both siblings to each other. They are the greatest pals I could ever ask for. Kyle is like an older brother to me, he teaches me lots of cool things and hangs out with me like a brother would. Andrea on the other hand is becoming less of friend but more of someone I care about she would always be looking on the bright side of things and always smiling.
I stared into the sky wondering if I what I have right now is what I will only have for the rest of my life till I die. This isn’t the way I want to die I thought. Then Andrea’s head came into view interrupting my thoughts. She smiled at me like she always does, her smile, so happy. She was wearing jean like pink jacket sleeveless covering a white shirt, pink shoes, and a pink jean like short skirt.
As she was sitting down next to me she started off the conversation. “What are you thinking about?”
I tried to put what I was thinking into words and then spoke them. “Wanting more then just this I mean look at our lives.” I got to my feet and continued “We have no challenge, without challenge we have no satisfaction in our lives!”
Andrea took my hand and pulled me down to her. “You ask for to much,” she ran her fingers through my hair “Besides we want to do good for Brokine’s sake.”
Brokine, our god, he guides us and this is how we got here to paradise.
“Whatever,” I responded to her statement. “Where is Kyle?”
“He is coming”
I looked and there he was walking across the shore wearing jeans, black shoes, and white shirt covered with a blue jacket that was also jean like and sleeveless unzipped. He was also walking with his lucky stick. Kyle gave me a smirk and I did the same.
Then a rumbling sound came from above. Black clouds started forming in the skies and streaks of light came down from them and then rain. The water seemed to go from blue and clear to black and murky.
Andrea and I both got to our feet. Then out of the waters were four legged crawling dark figures with red eyes. Andrea grabbed my hand. I looked into her eyes and she had pure fear. I knew I needed to protect her.
I pulled her hand and we both we ran towards Kyle. Kyle got piled on by the dark figures. His stick rolled towards me. I snagged it and snapped it half. Quickly I gave one to Andrea.
“Stay here and defend yourself,” I commanded. “I am going to get Kyle!”
I took one last stare into her eyes that showed something else then just fear. Something I couldn’t describe. Quickly I turned towards Kyle and began swinging recklessly at the dark figures that were on him. It didn’t last long. I began getting, pulled tugged, by the figures until I was down to the ground.
I didn’t know what they were doing to me but my body began to feel weaker and weaker. I couldn’t move or think. Then I heard a scream from Andrea after that I got my conscious back.
I tighten the stick, got up, and swung at the figures. It was no longer a stick but a sword with both sides cut circular cut outs that open out. With a better weapon I began attacking the ones around me. Then I saw that there were armies surrounding me.
I prepared for the worst. As I looked at them how they were all doing a disturbing dance over and over. A flickering sound of wind came from above. In the sky above there was dark round opening began pulling me in. I tried to hold my ground but it didn’t work. In the end I was sucked inside the darkness.
********************************************************
Preview for the next chapter
“I’m Mario.”
“Call me Link”
“Puzzle Blade?”
***************************************************
So what should I do for my next chapter make it longer or keep the same length. Add more details or keep the same amount I had?
Last edited:
