Story time


WiiChat Member
May 23, 2007
I've been working on this for a while. Not really, its been off and on. I was hoping to get some feed back on it, its just the first page or two. Im cleaning it up so it makes more sense as thats one of the problems with it. Im wanting to turn it into a game, ive always wanted to story write for games, but would like to know how this is going first.

Its not a fanfic, sorry. Anything that i could improve on or something, love to hear it. Even if it just sucks.

Critical Zero

Chapter 1

'Blue.' His frantic mind, full of battles before, starts to settle as Gama looks out across the sky 'It’s so calm, I would have never guessed this is what was above the clouds.'

He looked around, feeling the suns warmth for the first time in years. His cloths ripped and stained with blood from him, as well as others. His memories start to overwhelm him, thinking back to before, before there was fighting. Before he held a weapon to protect someone. A voice calls.“Gama!” He snaps back to reality “Were almost there. Don’t space out on us now.”

Shaking his head, dried dirt falls from his hair. “Right.” Focusing back on the person he traveled to the heavens for. 'Alicia... I’m coming just hang in there.' He turns to his friends, everyone covered in dirt and wounds, “Alright! This is it, the last stand. I'm going to get her back.”

“We’re going to get her back!” shouted Aden. Full of pride, he will fight against all odds. So far he's managed to live, only cause of his strong will would be an understatement.

Nisha threw her arm around Aden, “All of us, together.” She said. Without hesitation, she gave her life for someone she didn't even know. To say it was worth it, I'm not sure. There was no reward, she was going to die. Depends on the person, saving one life is enough for some.

Max steps forward “What the hell are we standing around here for? She’s not going to save herself.” Self-centered. At least thats what I thought. Max is not someone who goes out of his way for much.

Gama turns toward the gate. Huge in height, appears as though it were mad for a goliath, with the looks suited for a king. “Mevellance!!” He shouts, , “You’re going to regret taking her from me!”

Bells clanged in the distance, signaling the end of another dreamy afternoon. A man, his graying shoulder length hair wafting slightly in the breeze, closed the a tattered book that he'd been reading to the group of children. He stood up, climbing off the gnarled tree stump he'd been using as a stool. “Oh, is it that late already?” he says as he glances wearily towards the setting sun, fearing the task set upon him.

The kids whined, “Awwww! We’re almost done, just a bit more please!”

The man sighs, “Im afraid we’ll have to finish this next week. Same time as always.” The kids start to head to their homes. As the man puts the book in his bag he feels a tug on the back of his shirt.

“Um, Mr. Tash?”

“Huh?” He turns to see Eccan holding a worm. “I... Is there something you need Eccan?”

Eccan drops the worm, wiping the mud on his shirt. “I was wondering. What if there really were monsters, like in the book, would someone save us too?”

Mr. Tash smiled “You know, if there were monsters, like in the book, I think you would be the one to save us.” He says as he smiled and pats him on the head. “Now you should be getting home, It'll be dark soon and I'm sure suppers almost done.”

Eccan laughed as he started to run home, “Thanks Mr. Tash!” he shouted.

Mr. Tash waved, “Take care Eccan.”. He picked up his bag, old and tattered leather, and started to walk home himself. As he walked down the trail he looked up at the sky, thinking 'If it happens again, will you be ready. Eccan.'

~1 Week Later~

Eccan comes running to the tree stump where they gather for the story, “Is he here?” He asked gasping for air.

“No, he’s just late I guess.” Rikkir said, sitting on the log.

Eccan sat down trying to control his breath “Mr. Tash is never late. Maybe he got sick?”

Rikkir laughs “Mr. Tash? No way. Maybe he was captured by a Giant Mole-Rat!” he yells as he hops off the stump, throwing his arms in the air. The kids scream and Symone hits Rikkir.

“Enough, your scaring everyone!” she said.

Rikkir holds his head “I was joking...” he said almost crying.

Symone looked over at Eccan who had a concerned look on his face. She walked over to him and sat down, “Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”
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chach said:
what a waste of my time thanks...

bahahah how rude.....

it was decent i guess...rpg i'm guessing is what your aiming for?

the only problem is the introduction to characters, they were all the same and didn't describe any of the characters...........

and since your writing for a game, you should describe the setting in brackets or something
  • Thread Starter
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I hate writing, its gonna be like, manga style. Its not the whole thing, theres about 13 pages but it has even less detail then that so, i have to go through it.

I wasnt really describing the characters cause it was suppose to have been near the end of the book so all the characters have been established.

I dont read books either so im not sure how i do most things. Any kind of writing tip would be helpful.

Thanks MM, ill add brackets for the narrator.

Thanks Chach, ill try to make the begining a little more interesting.